Whatever may be happening in your life, make sure you take note of the hidden lesson. Don’t just focus only on what is disturbing you or only on what is bringing you joy in the moment. Make sure you acknowledge the lesson the current situation is teaching you.
I was asked not long ago what I have been up to for the past 6 months. No later than 6 months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to answer that for I was totally… lost. Yes I had a “stable” job, yes I loved what I did, yes I did overcome some crazily unexpected personal challenges, and yes I had a hobby which was nothing more than “distracting” myself by tapping into my creative side from time to time… but is that all life was about? That simple “what have you been up to for the past 6-months” actually put to light questions I had avoided answering for years due to nothing more but… fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of been criticized, fear of being wrong, fear of not being enough, fear of … and the list could go on and on, endlessly.
Self-discovery is a crazy ride for you must sacrifice certain things, certain habits, certain train of thoughts, and even certain people in order to actually grow, not for what society expects of you, but for who you truly are deep within. These past 6 months have been challenging, exhilarating, thought-provoking, stressful, blissful… a mix of totally contradictory emotions. Yet I wouldn’t have given up on these past 6 months’ experience for absolutely nothing for at the end, I found ME.
Contributing to someone else’s dream is a beautiful thing. Yet taking time to build yourself, no matter the cost, most certainly brings long lasting repercussions you couldn’t have possibly dared to imagine.
La marginalisation… Ne vous méprenez pas! Ce n’est pas qu’un phénomène adulte. On la rencontre dès l’enfance quand des parents jugent, décident, annoncent, décrètent que tel ou tel enfant pour une raison quelconque n’est pas digne de «se frotter» au leur par crainte de «contamination».
La marginalisation s’installe dès qu’on regarde de haut un petit pour la simple et unique raison qu’il est né de famille monoparentale, comme si lui il savait déjà, du bout de ses 4 ou 5 ans, ce que cette énorme accusation (parce que s’en est une) voulait dire. Ce fait, semble-t-il, le désigne d’office à être le rejet de la «bonne société», «la risée» de ces grands aux mœurs légères prétextant être des exemples sans faille de «pureté».
La marginalisation prend place quand un parent refusant d’accepter le comportement inacceptable du dérivé de son propre sang en colle la responsabilité à un autre jugé «inférieur et sans mœurs» parce que … parce que ?… Ben parce qu’il n’est de la même classe évidemment !
La marginalisation se fait un nid quand au sein d’une famille (sens large, s’il vous plait) on cache au plus profond possible les transgressions et frasques impudiques de certains, mais qu’on invente jusqu’à la couleur inhabituelle de crachat d’un autre afin de «mieux se sentir en société». Mettez vous bien en tête qu’un certain «nom» ne saurait être associé à certains actes, alors faut bien faire bonne figure et trouver un bouc-émissaire à sa rage et à son indignation correspondant au profil, quitte à dresser le fameux profil au complet et à se charger d’en faire la vulgarisation.
En avez-vous été victime? Moi si! Je l’ai connue cette fameuse et elle m’a été présentée par le biais de personnes que je n’aurais pas osé imaginer capable de pareil forfait…
La marginalisation? On croit la dépasser, on croit la combattre, on croit la mettre en cage… Mais les souvenirs ne s’éteignent pas. Ils sont des ombres, tachant chacune de nos décisions… des ombres cachés quelque part, nous poussant au retranchement, au repli, à porter des masques jusqu’à ce qu’un jour l’abcès crève et éclabousse tout au grand jour.
Alors… rien qu’alors, on l’accepte. On en fait une compagne, une compagne de solitude. Alors on l’accepte, comme une conseillère ou plutôt une gardienne assurant la distance nécessaire à ceux trop plein de leur grandeur… et l’on dresse ses propres barrières, son propre fort, son propre château, avec les multiples chambres nécessaires à la protection de son monde intérieur. Alors on se découvre au delà de la couverture des vert-de-gris dont on nous a encombré au fil du temps. Et enfin, on sourit à la personne dans le miroir, regrettant un peu le temps perdu, mais reconnaissant tout de même d’avoir fait cette découverte avant qu’il ne soit trop tard.
I came to realize something this morning: we know perfectly well what is good for us, what is genuinely beneficial even when we deliberately choose to act stupid. Just the same, we know what will destroy us, what will break us like a house of cards, what is not worth taking the risk for even when we deliberately choose to let our senses take over and move us away from what will provide us inner peace and stability. Make no mistake! Let us just be clear about one thing here. The “temptation theory” and the “I didn’t know theory” and “I couldn’t help it theory” and the “it just happened theory” and the “influence theory” are nothing more but excuses to help us feel better about our nonsense and enable us to turn to the victim act when all hell breaks loose.
I didn’t just out-of-the-blue come up with some much valued wisdom piece as old as time itself on my own. Naaaaaah! I had to force myself to become accountable for my own stupidity through some deeply shattering inner war. And war over what? That is the best part: the simple desire to possess an additional material thing that would “supposedly” grant me a certain level of satisfaction. Now imagine this: if for an object I can balance that logic, meaning the fact that it would be pointless to spend the money no matter how baaaaaaaadly I may want that specific item even though my current one is still fresh as a new day and totally functional… Imagine how much my life would change if I ever so slightly tried to apply that logic to other things such as family life, love life, work life and so on….
We say that we love, that we care, that we value, that we consider… But that’s just words, right? Deep down we know full well who we are fooling so not to face the mirror and admit “Dang! That was down-right idiotic“. Because no one likes to be pointed at as being wrong! No one likes to be the clown. We much rather lie and pretend and deepen the hole… We. Will. Not. Admit. Being. Wrong. There is no greater sin than that! Hurting a beloved? Oh that’s excusable! Acting behind their back? There is a justifiable acceptable reason to that. Rejecting someone who cares? Well, they had it coming. But admitting being wrong, admitting doing wrong and traumatizing a being for life??? Oh no no no! That is too much to bear! Our so-called reputation won’t suffer that!
I came to realize something this morning: we know perfectly well what is good for us, what is genuinely beneficial even when we deliberately choose to act carelessly. Only trouble is, no matter the excuse or the coverage, there is no escaping the aftershock, no matter how well you may dress it up. So why not do good if for no other reason than for the love of our own self?
I am at a state of awe at human’s evilness. I just don’t get it, can’t get it, do not want to get that reality. I cannot understand it, cannot let it get to me, yet cannot move beyond it without setting the records straight and finding a semblance of answer as to WHY HUMAN BEINGS ARE SO EVIL. No I am not going to accept the excuse that we were overpowered by bad, that no matter how disgusting a situation may be right under our nose, we are such “fragile” beings that we cannot fight it. We CHOOSE to let evil take over, choose to believe the disturbing lies, and choose to take the pill that seemed easier to swallow. It is a conscious and constant choice: lie and keep the pretense, lie and drive another insane, lie and make another being feel like he/she is the worthless one, lie and keep on complaining, lie and hide behind further lies, lie and keep on lying over and over and over until the cup is overflowing so much the lie drown us and block the air and run in our blood and suffocate the life out of us.
I am angry, so very angry. Any logical being with a minimum of sense can see that flowing wave floating above each letter. I am so very angry and hurt and pained and confused and … No word actually exists to exactly translate my state of mind at the chosen evilness some people are fornicating with. No they are not blind. Yes they are fully aware of their actions and actually “plan” the aftermath of each action. They have a back up plan for the back up plan to screw someone else’s life and drive them to madness. And when the proverbial shit hits the fan, when Karma actually steps in, when Life brings back what was sown…. Oh yeah, everyone goes around running like a bunch of crazy ants wondering why oh why the world is coming to an end, why oh why such tragedy. Really now? What kind of audacity is that?
Again I am asking, why have we become so evil? We preach about good, pretend to act good, say we love good, say we love because of good, seem to portray good, but deep down… No stone or prayer or chants or pilgrimage or salt baths or magic potion or anything you wish to name can cure us and cleanse us. And don’t even dare knock on my door with the free-will excuse. It is time we grow some and admit that we are creatures of our own making.
I came to realize this morning that I haven’t written anything in a while. I am not talking about poetry or quotes, but rather deep, insightful, long texts. I am not quite sure how I came to realize this or why. I only feel a strong need to disappear for a while, close all doors and cocoon myself. I feel a deep urge to block all and hide in order to nurture myself and protect myself from the negativity currently raging. The negativity…
This morning, after having my day’s read, the first thing that said “hello” as I opened my phone was a video of the most disturbing nature. What is going on in the world? Maybe this is why I can no longer write: Too much negativity. I just can no longer find it in me to turn the darkness into light, to pull a lesson from each situation, to dig into the mud for the hidden pearl… Perhaps it is time to plunge in the darkness, take it all in so it can no longer affect me. Maybe it is time to stop fighting and simply let things be. Whatever good there is will for sure remain good with or without our help… Isn’t that what we tell ourselves as an excuse for us not doing anything in the face of adversity? Isn’t that what we say to make ourselves feel better for not providing any assistance to someone in need? We pretend so well… We pretend so much… It seems like it is far harder to genuinely smile than it is to scold someone for not meeting our standards… And what standards? Those of a hypocritical society gone mad over nonsense. It doesn’t matter if you commit suicide because you just can’t take it anymore. It doesn’t matter if you are wearing a belt full of little pieces of sharpened glass eating out your skin whenever you move just so you can actually “feel” something. It doesn’t matter if you let yourself be used and beaten by strangers only because you are in extreme lack of attention. It only matters that you keep the image intact and well preserved, golden and shining so the world may look upon you and wish they had just an inch of your shine. Total nonsense.
I am very close to taking a bow and hide in the woods, for at least there I wont have to pretend that the hurt does not exist; that my heart is not bleeding senselessly; that my soul is not craving for something out of this world; that my entire body, though not covered in scars, does not bears the marks of so many lashes I can barely hold it together.
Have we truly reached the point where humans are no longer humans? Have we truly reached the point where our own race wishes to stay as far away as possible just to be able to breathe? I wonder… Perhaps it is indeed time for me to step away in order to find myself and prevent myself from losing myself in all this nonsense.