Door knock

At 32, it feels as if i have just woken up. It is almost like i have made a jump from my 22nd birthday to now, as if the decade that just passed… Simply flew by without my notice. May sound absurd but I wouldnt wish it on anyone just to have the so called benefit of being understood.

I am currently sitting and pondering: how the … What the… Aint that a… Yes! Beautifully meaningfull little sentences like those! My path has been anything but what I have been expecting. Yet can i dare to complain? I wonder… Do I really dare to focus on blank spots, missed points, negative emotions, losses, unchosen burdens, hectic crossroads…. At time, I am able to even forget about them and look at the sunrise, feel its energy crept on me like many tiny hands pushing me higher, smile right in the midst of my own cries…. Yet… At times… Like today…. I just want to put a “closed for restructuration” sign, move far away from all i have known, from all that has been my so called life so far and start new; pretend i lost my memory, pretend an amnesia so strong hit me so badly that i am able to pretend i am nothing more but a fully new born being, stepping foot for the first time at 32… Who am I lying to?

I have known the happy and the sad, the beautiful and the ugly… Well kind of super ugly i should say; been called wise, crazy, childish, insecure, pervert (ha!), rude… Pfff! You name it and i will flash the tag! But deep down who am I really? What am i? I have read somewhere that “we are not humans having a spiritual experience yet rather spiritual beings having a human experience”… Dare i say i wished i had stayed in my little heaven and was spared that crazy boat ride experiment?… Dont know yet.

Lately, i have been fully aware, more than before, of time passing by, of the empending end of all things… Maybe that’s what getting old, from inside at least, truly means: learning everything’s worth, putting true value where it needs to be, stopping the pretences and actually facing the facts… Maybe…

My only wish to myself and all those near me and all those whose life i walked into (in whichever way and for whichever reason) and all those reading this crazy knock-me-down note … is to find INNER PEACE, that SERENITY enabling a being to walk through fire, get burned but still move on…



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