I am a curious person. There is no doubt about that. I have tried in my younger years to understand many things on the “workings” of human relations, but only encountered doubts, half-truths, masked irony and sarcasm. Why is it so difficult to simply describe things has they are? We are all meant to “do” at a time or another, yet those who “did” before us simply will not be truthful in their description of what truly is and would provide an embellished image only to state “what where you expecting” when the unsaid hits us in the face.
Each human being, man and woman alike, has gone through a “first time” that left him/her at awe at how ridiculously shallow our society truly in fact is when it comes to hiding what supposedly “cannot / should not” be said. Don’t misinterpret my purpose! I am not bitter. I simply want to create the base of a healthier “me”, a healthier “you”, a healthier “them” by forcing out what is considered as “so called taboo” but is in fact a “must go through phase” at a time or another.
Relationships, regardless of their nature, are never easy for as one puts it, it is “the clash of two worlds trying to create a third while maintaining their individuality”.
Been my usual curious self, I have asked “you” (currently reading this) to answer the below and I thank “you” for being truthful in answering. I am sharing the below with you for not only “sharing is caring”, but while reading this, you might discover further things and unearth further things within yourself and (hopefully) within your relationship
Definition of marriage
- Let’s make it simple: it is a signed contract. [Don’t confuse the signed contract linked to immigration purposes or inheritance with the true contract of marriage]. Said contract stipulates that you are reliable for the other person as that other person is reliable to you. There are conditions, pros and cons, which is why you need to insure that contract is signed with someone you wont be bored with, with someone who understands or at least tries to understand your point of views and shares your vision of life….
- It has nothing to do with “just” love. Love is a notion that completes the marriage, but you can’t just base yourself on a feeling to take such an engagement. You need to see your “other self” in that person. It is like a puzzle. The matching of your flaws with that person’s strength and the matching of your strengths with that person’s flaws. You complete each other in a way that you can’t find same match elsewhere. Yes you will be tempted and see other things that will attract you, but the level of completion you have with that “other self” will keep you rooted.
- Marriage also provides you a certain social standards (not in the shallow sense) in the fact that society will label you differently, see you differently and position in another level as more responsible since you are going through the challenges that actually “make” the marriage life.
- Some people are in love with the idea of marriage, but don’t take into account the challenges that come with it which explains the high number of divorces and unfaithful trials going on
What is the easiest part?
- The wedding day
- The happy days
What is the hardest part?
- Living with each other (…): 2 different persons, 2 different educations, 2 different “families”, 2 different ways of seeing, doing and dealing with the things of life. Not always an easy combination.
- Spending every single day with the same person and realizing he/she is not going away and that you are indeed “part” of each other, glued to one another “for better AND for worst”
What is the most fulfilling part / the advantages?
- No longer being alone and having someone next to you at night
- Knowing you have someone you can count on and who truly has your back no matter the situation
- Knowing you have someone who relies on you; feeling needed and valued
- Having someone you can joke with, share nonsensical things with, play with, have fun with at any given time or moment
- Having children together, though it can turn to a challenge as well as all the attention is then shifted. Some couples forget to care for each other as soon kids are born. They forget that it took the 2 of them to create life
(just a side note. I was surprised that men were so eager to mention having children as the most fulfilling part, even those who don’t yet have. For those of you wondering why I strike-out children from my list of first answers: 95% of married couples use children as a cover to pretend all is well or to value themselves or to show they have done something with their life. By striking-out children I voluntarily force a deeper analysis of self and force each person to admit the good-good and the bad-bad of the marriage challenge. [Even if they don’t necessarily say it to me])
What is the most challenging / the inconveniences?
- Trying not to kill each other during conflicts especially when the present parties are deeply 2 opposites and have totally different approaches when it comes to managing stress. Maintaining harmony even when having arguments.
- Being able to resist the “did I make the right choice” dilemma during times of conflict and mostly resisting during said time to make irreparable mistakes.
- Financial management.
- When there is money available, all is good. We can both do as we please somehow. But when money is tight, sometimes that’s when the other person reveals a face you barely expected.
- Some people “born to spend” and some others are “born budget controllers”. Some people lack control when it comes to their materialistic desires (not needs but desires) and some others hold their purse cords with an iron fist. When the balance can’t be done between any 2 combinations: explosion occurs!
- Lack of understanding and sharing of the financial burden
- Laziness from one of the parties, thus lack of contribution in the parts to play yet still high expectations from said lazy party
- Supporting each other when the other person is at his/her low period and unable to see anything else but the cloud.
- One all is said and done, the fire dies and often one of the parties thinks all has been “completed” once the contract is signed and the bells rang and the new couple is installed in their new home. Routine kills marriage as it does any relationship. The challenge is not getting married. The true challenge is in STAYING married, staying in love, remaining in the “caring for each other” mode no matter the day.