Society’s speech

Shhhhh!
Do not disturb
As society sleeps
Your burdens?
Hide them!
Your sorrow?
Keep it on check!
Who asked you to speak?

Had you actually believed
The right was yours
To draw attention?
No one wants to see
That heart on your sleeve.
No one wishes to know
The nightmare tearing you apart
If you can’t pretend
Then you’ve missed your exit
If you can’t just play along
Then you must have
Picked the wrong song
Your image is what counts

Why bother?
It’s all about empty shells.

Shhhhhhh!
Do not disturb!

If you want part of this world
The rules are laid out
Pretend happiness
Extend your circle
Or …
Just stay out the line
And be your miserable, pitiful self

What will it be?
Your call!
Yet society won’t wait

https://shedmontfortbooks.wordpress.com/2016/08/21/unveiled/

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Fear is but a thought

No matter how much we may fight, there comes a time when our inner walls shatter, when we crumble, when we fall, when all our strongly elaborated thoughts are drowned by unforeseen darkness. We push… It pushes back… We scream and ram… Nothing but emptiness… Aloneness… Obscure silence… Society lashes into us, sucking out our very essence; those we hold dear can barely fill the void… That is if they’ve even tried… No proper sense to life, no proper meaning or reason to go on… Nothing but shadows…

When these happen, when “things” come our way… things we should be scared of, things that should drive us crazy… we can choose to be drown by them…. Or to embrace them…. To go deep into what hurts us most and find the key to our own strength.

Fear is but a thought! Yes, just a thought. A simple thought magnified by our own personal internal lenses. Flip the coin! Transform those lenses into your own personal fuel, make that fear what pushes you forward. If you can turn it into “something”, “anything”, then it can no longer be a fear. It will then be an opportunity.

Now that I have said it, let me see how far this can take me! I am no magician! I am just a woman going through her own battles.

https://shedmontfortbooks.wordpress.com/2016/08/21/heart-and-soul/

2006 – 2018… Tout un voyage…

Entre l’écriture et moi… Une histoire de passions, de déchirements, d’angoisses, de séparations amères et de retrouvailles enivrantes… Une histoire toujours inachevée…

Dans mon “ERRANCE”, cherchant à guérir de mes blessures, je me suis “MISE-A-NUE”. Il est parfois bénéfique d’interrompre le silence par le cri de nos émotions “UNVEILED”. Ainsi ai-je compris combien la vie était “PHENOMENA“.

Après un temps de pauses et d’introspections, j’ai pu immortaliser mes “EPHEMERIDES”. Je me suis tournée vers la spiritualité avec un “COEUR EN VEILLE”, cherchant à comprendre le sens du tumulte en moi. Ne voulant rien oublier de mon vécu, j’ai retracé les “VISAGES IMMORTELS”, ce qui m’a porté à admettre l’aspect plutôt “PECULIAR” de mon existence.

Suite à un arc-en-ciel d’événements et d’émotions sans précédent, je me livre donc “HEART & SOUL” à la Puissance régissant l’univers. Dans l’espoir de réponses, mes pas me porteront peut-être vers les souvenirs d’antan pour admettre mes “CONFUSIONS”, confronter mes “ILLUSIONS” et traverser mes “NUITS BLANCHES”. “IRONIE ET SARCASME” font pourtant le poids sur la balance… Tout a sa raison d’être… ou de ne point être…

L’existence est une pièce à “DOUBLE FACE”. Il faut savoir quand avancer et quand se tourner vers les ARCHIVES du temps d’autrefois… Le plus important, peu importe la route, l’expérience ou les charges s’imposant, il ne faut point perdre de vue que la clef de toute existence reside dans la recherche de “KLETE NAN KALVE”. Aussi l’âme, traversant les diverses étapes et tribulations de cette existence, garde-t-elle sa nature UNTAMED, pure et intacte.

Around the clock…

Tic… Toc…

The clock is ticking. Each passing seconds gets my heart pounding. Each passing second and I lose myself a bit more in those clouds, in those thoughts, in the longing to fly away… away? No! Wrongly said! Simply fly! Open wings, fly. Soar above all, as the wind takes me … back to the good, up to the heavens…

Tic…Toc…

Is there any such thing as “reality”? Do we really age? Do we actually gain or is it just a way to pretend that our posture and poise mark who we truly are inside?

Tic… Toc…

I no longer know, I can no longer control the liquid flow of inner vibration. With each tic a piece of me is taken away, with each toc a piece of the puzzle is set in the way.

My life, your life, who truly care? We are all up for the same crazy, rocky, inspiration ride…

The Puzzle

Life is a puzzle. We are each tiny pieces trying to fit in the overall picture, trying to find the spot where we belong.

As the years go by, we smooth our edges, clean our tips which have been torn by our failed attempts to fit in the wrong places. As the years pass by, we learn to be more careful, more attentive, more conscious of our choices. No matter how well-placed, well-shaped a spot may seem… we keep in mind the pain of lost times and efforts caused by forcing ourselves to blind in, … we hold back, observe, think, analyze… and only then do we take the step…

Life is a puzzle. Impulsiveness is the master puppet. Pain is the teacher. At at the end, our brain and mind finally collide and their union brings forth where truly sits our wounded edges.

Resilience – you either get bitter or better

The first version of my story, or should I say of my testimony, was written/typed on February 5th 2015 as I was still at the hospital. Just for accuracy sake, I will point out that my left hand did the job as my right hand was immobilized. I was far too tired of repeating what had happened over and over and wanted to put a stop to the questioning. I was asked why write it in english? I will answer: why not? The important thing for me was and still is to express myself and I did it as it came, not overthinking whether or not english, french or creole was an option. The important thing was to let all out.

So for those who truly care, for the barely curious ones, for those who like that “lady” only focus on what’s making a hit, here is a compiled version of my journey. Part III is yet to come, but I wonder if I will force it out.

Anyhow! Enjoy the ride!

PART I

I have gone through what many would call a life-shattering event… I call it resilience: an opportunity to grow, to face my deepest fear, to discover my inner strength.

Wednesday January 28th, 2015. I go to bed feeling sad and tormented for no apparent reason. Nothing seemed amiss, yet something was eating me up. I cry, pray, and meditate. Can’t put my finger on what is bothering me. So I let go and focus on what had brought me previous moments of joy…

Thursday January 29th, 2015. I absolutely do not want to go to work. Something since the night before is nagging me, pushing me to stay home. I walk all over the house, bug my mom some, and look around my room in search of the perfect excuse to stay home. But…. Have to drive mom to her Thursday benevolent activity and must hold my part in the office team. So I get my act together and get ready for the day.

I look in the mirror and smile to myself. Hey! Who said self-encouragement doesn’t work! On set, key on ignition, car ready, and there we go.

In the office, the usual drill… but I can’t eat… my heart is still heavy. I joke, discuss important office matters, prepare files for reports to be submitted… but I am still not “there”. I look at my list and can hardly find the usual drive to step into my game

Around 11-ish, I head for the church after notifying my manager. Mom is done so we head to the bank, which I hardly ever do on weekdays. The teller assisting me takes forever… I start getting annoyed, but I rein-down my temper and use all my reserve of patience and good manners

Noon-ish. Finally heading home to drop mom. Don’t know why but I make detours I usually don’t do before taking my usual route. Somewhere between 12:35 and 12:40, I live the most nerve wrecking 5 minutes of my life.

As we hit a small traffic, a man comes to my mother’s window trying to open the door, a gun pointed at my mother, asking we put down the window. My car windows been darken, he cannot see inside the car. He is on edge it seems, looking back and forth, seeming rather at odds with his red-and-green stripped shirt, sunglasses and black beret. I put the car on reverse, go back a notch and hit drive full force heading left. But a local transportation car trying to hit a double line blocks me. This time 2 of them come to my side. Second reverse, and trying to head to my right…. All of a sudden, I hear a weird noise, see my right hand shaking as if I was staring at someone other than myself, see my car hit the back of a car and here my mother scream “Jesus”.

The car stops. I cannot recall if I turned off the car or if it happened by itself. I see my window tumble down. I tell my mom to call my boyfriend then I open my door and step out. I see blood all over my car seat, on the floor, and on me. Then I take note of the hole in my right forearm… Weirdly (thank God) I do not feel any pain, but remain solely focused on taking my mother to safety. I look around and there is no sign of the bandits. I turn around and see this woman trying to take a pic of my bleeding arm!!! Unbelievable! Should have lashed at her, but my focus was elsewhere. I hear someone scream a man’s name and realize they were calling a man stuck between the wall and my car! Gosh! I hit someone…. No time! I lend a hand to mom telling her to come out quick. She takes her bag, slides over my seat and comes to my side. My brain is on overdrive: 10 more minutes and I will be fainting. How I know that without any particular medical knowledge? Only God knows!

We cross and I go straight to the Official car on the other side of the street. I bang on the window and tell him I am hurt. He opens the back door, gets my mom and myself in and tells the driver to speed to the hospital… I tell him which hospital to head to. I ask him to take off my ring as my fingers are getting inflated. Mom helps me take off my jacket… I ask the man to make a knot with a shirt found in his car because my blood is pouring all over the place. I feel myself fading. I ask my mom to call my manager. I spit out the number trying hard to focus on not fainting yet… I needed at least one person to know. She is unreachable. I then tell mom again to call my boyfriend. He answers. Mom doesn’t seem to find her words. I take the phone and talk to him… can barely recall what I said, but I know he was stunned. Once I give back the phone the pain hits. I still ask mom to call my mentor… my former manager… both unreachable! But I still breathe because I know that with that one person reached, the game is set. It all happened in a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity…

I start to lose my hold … the man gives his number to my mom and asks me questions to which I answer without fully understanding what I am saying…. I start to faint… I ask him to let me lean on him and he keeps on telling me to hang on. I put my injured hand on my mom’s cheek and tell her to calm down because I am fine and we were safe. I stare in her eyes and smile then lean on that Good Samaritan whom God placed there at this exact moment to come to my rescue. I am fading… I am in and out but still answer his questions. I hear him give final indications bringing the hope that the hospital is near. We make it but the driver is hesitating. Eyes closed, my breathing shallow, I guide him. The man jumps out and screams for a chair. He helps mom get off the car, then me. My legs give in. He carries me to the emergency room. As he is about to take the stairs, the security guard helps him after hearing him say it was a gun wound and seeing the amount of blood on our clothes.

We reach the emergency room on time and the doctor in service automatically wires me to a serum. I start getting back to myself. The man gets ready to leave. I hang on to his hand murmuring “thank you” with whatever strength I could manage. He tells us to call him if anything.

I find it hard to breathe, but the doctor tells me I am fine, it was just my body going on panic mode. The door opens: my manager, director, and chief of security walk in. I smile just enough for them to see I am ok. They ask questions, I manage to answer… but only barely. My heart is pounding. I am again restless. The door opens again and my boyfriend walks in, face completely ashen and torn by an indescribable expression. My breathing eases automatically. He stands near and I lean my head on him. I finally felt safe. May seem overly girly and romantic, but after nearly going on the other side, I didn’t care that others were there.

From there started the journey for the bone x-ray which would clear the way for the surgery…

PART II

There is so much I don’t remember, so much my brain simply didn’t, couldn’t register. Now at nearly 3 months away, the questions are flashing at me like many tiny light bulbs about to combust….

From the stairs to the emergency room… I know I lost it because I don’t remember the nurses we encountered on the way, that weird bell sound, entering the room, been seated in the wheelchair, the needles through my veins, the pressure of the bandage as it is set on my wound, the voices around me rushing to keep me alive, my mother’s explanation, the urgency of each movement as I sit motionless…. I didn’t know any of this…. To me it was just the stairs and letting go of my human guardian angel’s hand as I was leaving the room….

I know now what it means to be in and out of reality…. The doctor talks I answer, mom talks I answer, my director talks I answer… But I can barely recall anything said, except some seemingly insignificant details… I don’t remember what I did or said, just some flashing images as if I had been coming out of a deep deep dream… And maybe it was the case… Dying almost felt… Normal!

At a certain point of time, things sort of got clearer, my brain seemed to have gotten enough back up from the serum because I could actually talk and be heard… What I absolutely do remember though: the gentleness of the nurses, the motherly way the doctor watched over me, the anxious stares of those who came, the hidden worry in the voices around me, the anger and despair in the two persons I care for most, the strength my mother displayed although watching her only child fade right before her eyes… the safety, love, and recognition that washed through me as well as a deep rooted desire to sooth their worries… Managing to smile and remaining reasonable although all I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin… No easy task! But besides all that happened, I felt protected and cared for…. That was all I actually needed.

Back to reality…

… They ask to talk to my mother. I ask him to stay with her for me. I know how mom is: she definitely needed the support. As they all leave the emergency room, I look around. The doctor in charge was standing next to me, watching my every move… there is so much I don’t seem to recollect, or perhaps I should admit so much I didn’t know when they took place, like when I got put on the wheelchair, when my wound got bandaged, when they inserted the needle to hook me to the serum… it seems I had passed out pretty badly. The nurse asks me if I want to drink some water. I say yes and they bring me a cup of hot water. I make a face and they laugh. I know I am on chock but boiling water? Seriously? That’s a straight ticket to diarrhea. They add up some cold water to it and I try to drink once more. I look at myself… not so pretty! My skirt had blood filaments; my toenails look as if a paint pot had been thrown at me. Heeeeewwwww! I needed a serious cleanup. I so hate the smell of blood… and I had just that all over…. I am feeling like throwing up… I can’t breathe… put me closer to the bed I ask, I really need to rest my head. Doctor makes small talks while I try to catch my breath.

They all come back, ask me questions, take note of what’s important, smile at me, tell me not to worry while their eyes… I best be strong for all of them. That’s what I am good at… I have to!

We are asked to go elsewhere to get the x-ray done. Don’t know what is discussed with my mom, don’t know any of the planned details… Boyfriend leaves to handle whatever is related to my car and some of our belongings still in there… There is lots of talking around me about the hows and whys of leaving the hospital… I somehow zoom out although my eyes are wide opened… We leave the ER and head to the provided car… Now that’s another dilemma: getting out of the wheelchair to get in the car with both my arms occupied… We manage and as mom sits next to me I put my head on the window and close my eyes… My skirt was getting cold now caked with my blood. My once white shirt turned a dirty type of color like washed-off-red, my sandals feel like sand had been sprayed on them… Oh well…

As we leave the hospital, I see a blue local cab get in… My manager talks to someone on the phone, then tells me something… My brain was back on lockdown mode, didn’t grasp a word she said… As we reach the last turn before the clinic we were heading to, I see my two coworkers and dear friends walking… I don’t really understand what they are doing in that area at this time of the day… One of them waves at me while the other one makes a gesture pointing toward the clinic… Then I understood! They had been in that local cab and headed straight to the clinic as they missed us at the hospital! I was truly touched and happy to see them.

At the clinic’s door, again the getting out problem. Surrounded by the 3 ladies, my mother and the driver, I slowly glide (not walk) toward the entrance just as a lady comes out stating “if you are here for an x-ray, the machine doesn’t work”. She said it in such a peppy voice it seemed as if she was rejoicing. I get a slight panic as I lose my step and my breathing changes. They rush me back in the car and oh gosh! Relief!

The ladies get in with us. They were not about to leave without knowing what would happen and as we drive to the second known place, they try chatting with my mom while keeping their anxiety on check. But I know them. I can hear it without them talking and feel it as the closest one plays in my hair. In the Radio-Lab’s parking, again the fight not to lose my footing. As we reached the stairs, the man guarding the gate tells us that it is already closed. I don’t look at anyone but simply sit on the stairs, my back to the wall, eyes closed. Didn’t care about the dirt, the people passing by, the stares, the state of my clothes… Didn’t care! Someone talks to him and summarizes the situation. He goes in for a few seconds, then comes back to let us in. Getting up was another problem, but it happened, don’t know how. One by one I take the stairs as if it were the hardest thing ever. I dropped myself on the first chair that came to view and laid my head on someone while the others were handling the administrative paperwork.

After 10 to 15 minutes (or so it seemed to me), I was taken to the x-ray room… All this moving got the best of me and while the man was positioning my arm, I threw-up on the floor. The man said it was a good sign and that it meant my body was fighting back. I didn’t comprehend a thing in what he said though I heard the words. We are asked to wait for the results by the receptionist. I am again feeling restless and ask every few seconds if we can’t leave yet. At some point, not too sure how it happened or what led to that, mom squeezes my injured arm. I scream and everybody jumps. Could have actually laughed at their reaction if that dizziness was not trying to get the best of me.

After what seemed an eternity, we are given the x-ray copies. Now it was getting up, walking, take the stairs, getting in the car… Finally seated, I laid my head back… Was finding it hard to breathe again. I don’t recall much of the trip back to the hospital, though I think I spoke to someone on the way. Back in the ER, I finally get to lie on a bed. Oh heaven!!!

I answer questions, smile, but somehow I am so very detached. The first surgeon comes in and explains to me what will be happening during surgery and also the mandatory steps that will follow. I still manage to make him laugh when he talks about antibiotics… How is it I can joke in such a situation… Only God knows!

Boyfriend comes back with our belongings! Apparently my car had already been secured before his arrival so nothing got stolen. A State Rep is with him, asking if I can explain what happened. Mother doesn’t want me to talk. She starts telling the story but get some facts wrong as she was confused as to the how and when it all happened. I let them know I can make the report and take over where mom had gotten. I am shaking, suddenly feeling cold. Out of nowhere the State Rep said that the person my car hit before crashing in another car was in quite critical state… I really didn’t need to hear that… Tears are piling up… “No tears!” I turn my head to look at the one who said that and instantly gain control over my emotions… After the report is done, State Rep leaves with his assistant.

Someone brings office t-shirts so mom could change. Same someone stays with me in the ER while mom and the others disappear once more, heading for the administration office. She jokes with me while the nurse takes blood samples for the routine tests and then gives me my first injection…. Felt like fire was poured through my veins!!! But it was necessary… As I said to the doctor, who knows where that man’s hands had been before he touched the bullet that hit me in his gun… There goes my crazy imagination again! I definitely would take 10 shots if needed!

A few more minutes or hours passed, I get my arm prepared for the upcoming surgery and my clothes changed into hospital robes. I am taken to my room where 2 unexpected visitors show up. News does travel fast! My main surgeon drops by for a chat. Test results were ok, x-ray showed some bad damage, my overall state was good, no food or drink until further notice. Weirdly that day, I had only taken juice in the morning… Serendipity? Talk about that!

I am again in and out after the doctor’s visit. How much time passed? Who came by? Who was with mom?… A total blur! Two nurses show up to take me to surgery room. I smile at mom, crack a joke with a friend who ended up been there God-knows-how, and watch the walls as my bed is being rolled out…

And there we go! Step 2 to my healing process.

PART III

I am blessed. There is no way out of that. I am blessed and loved and cherished and if I ever doubted it, this traumatic experience actually proved it to me.

11 months and 2 weeks. That’s how long it took me to finally be able to get back to my public life. 11 months and 2 weeks, yet I am still not completely healed. Do I dare complain? Absolutely not! I do cry when reminiscing what I had to face, but I have never been happier or more alive…

(To be continued… Maybe…)

(After 3 years… I doubt anything else will be added to this text)

From me to me – another beginning

A new year has begun

I am absolutely unsure of what it has in store for me. I can’t even say I am listing new resolutions… What is the point anyway? Resolutions are written down every single year, month, day… Yet not even 2% can dare say “Yes! I have followed through”.

For this year, I wish me the best of times with the artist in me, with the dreamer I am hosting, with the adventurer I have discovered. I also wish more stars upon my more down-to-earth half, less worries, more smiles, more carefree thoughts when facing unborn dreams (why fuss over what is not and may probably not be when that energy can be invested elsewhere)

I have a ticket from Heaven for a new free 365 days ride. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will make the best of it. Wishing me the best of luck

Serendipity – world blind

We hardly ever realize the link between events until we are actually stuck somewhere, blocked by a moving wall and unable to move without some serious effort from our side.

I am facing one of these moments now. Yet Serendipity is what comes to mind. All the puzzle pieces are so well put, so well laid out, it is choking how blind us human beings can be! Each tiny rock well placed, each little dust well positioned, how more obvious does life have to be? It is as if reading a book or perhaps using a pirate’s map. The clues are so very obvious that only our very own self blokes the knowledge to the greater being.

Don’t get confused! Read it over and ask yourself how many time the obvious came knocking at your door but you simply stood there, stunned as if your inner compass had not yet showed you the way.

Dark Valley, world apart

I am from a place
Where shapes and shadows
Hold a life of their-own
The sun shines at night
The moon is queen of the day
The fool is the one been followed
And the wise is set astray
Love is a farfetched notion
Only found in books and fairy tales
Harshness is the everyday potion
Drunken willingly
Out of despair

I am from a place
Where a word of kindness
Is like disease in one’s bones
Where one’s worth is hardly noticed
If not tarnished by wickedness
And made impure
No matter the stones moves
The mountains brought together
It is never nearly enough
For a tiny sand dust
May cause any given castle
To crumble to nothingness

I am from a place set apart
A world shying away
Simply letting the clock tic away
I am from a place
Where the heart is a pilgrim
Where home is a dream
Where “me” is nonexistent

Fire to Ice, Opposites blinding

I came upon him
Heaven knows how
Just a thought, a simple thought
And it spiraled into…
A full bloom moment in history

Different, so different
Yet similar on so many levels
Different,
Our lives colliding
Our bearings crashing
Our barriers mixing
Similar,
Our wishes entertwining
Our desires finding their echo
Our hopes and losts binding

Like day and night
Fire to ice
Complementing one another
Soothing that emptiness in each other
Growing as vines one in the other
Finally letting go of what once
Caused our worlds to shatter

November introspection openings

Question of the day.

How can one “genuinely caring” survive in a world where it is the “I” that counts and not “we”? Where each being is focused of their own personal interest and not on what can affect another? Where even loved ones seem to have far more consideration for non-close-relatives then their own ” family”?

Is it then so surprising that said genuine soul goes into disguise and builds protective walls against all harshness and simply refuses to leave all doors open? How ironical is it then that this soul trying nothing more than to protect itself now suddently becomes the ennemy of those unable to use its kindness anymore as they please?

Alone…

I have often wondered if that word could ever be fully understood, as it is often blocked in the simple logic of not having anyone around, of not being with anyone. But deep down, it absolutely isn’t that simple.

Alone is being in the crowd even surrounded by close ones and feeling lost and out of place.

Alone is not knowing who to turn to when that sudden grip holds our heart and makes our soul shiver out of fear of the unknown

Alone is having your echo answer back when you cry out of pain and anguish, when you desperately need a helping hand, but only meet shadows passing by

Alone is having no one to applaud your efforts, rejoice when you climb higher up the ladder, shout words of encouragement when you are close to breaking down, open their arms to welcome you when you feel this ship called life is about to go down

Alone is staring at your face in the mirror and wonder who that person can possibly be

Alone is not knowing which step to take at a crossroad and having nothing but emptiness pushing you forward

Alone is wishing for what can never be, knowing the wish is impossible, yet still wishing so not to let go.

I believe THAT is what Alone should be described as

Fight back

Is it normal to feel sad? Yes

Is it normal to feel drained? Yes

Is it normal to have down times? Yes

Is it normal to see nothing but a total blur at times? Yes

Is it normal to think this post an apology for negative emotions? Yes

Now, is it normal to back down and simply let yourself be dragged by the veil of uncertainty? This one is a big, fat NO

I am not trying to be overly positive. Not at all! There are indeed times where, for no apparent reason, something simply feels amiss like you just don’t recognize yourself and you end up wondering what’s the point of everything… I mean really EVERYTHING. You simply get lost in translation, out of words, with no desire to move and step up. It is as if an invisible force was trying to pull you under with each weird thought, weird nightmare, and weird emotion leaving you emptier than you were already feeling…

I am going through such a moment and, call it serendipity, call it faith, call coincidence, call it signs (as I do), many things simply pop out of nowhere to remind me that I am on my journey for a reason, no matter how confused it gets me at times. I saw the “fighting pain with laughter” video on Facebook, I saw some specific self-acceptance quotes on Instagram, I received daily motivation readings from a friend with details on the why of the world’s tormented current state… these signs are there to remind me that I AM, that I am not just a vegetative being, but a thinking one.

I am NOT a mistake. I was not just dropped there "out of the blue". I may still be struggling to find MY reason for being, my reason for being on that specific path. But never more will I believe that I just "happened" to be here at this stage, at this age, in this position simply by sheer luck. No matter the pain, the tears, the doubts, I will LEARN, TEACH and GROW through it all.

The New Found Society (September TBT)

How ironical… I was told lately that diplomas and dedication aren’t what actually take you to the top in the nowadays society. In order to succeed:

  1. you must be willing to stoop low enough so to have your nose close to the ground;
  2. you must insure to have the right acquaintances in your agenda;
  3. you must agree to be stepped upon, used and abused, and turned into whatever is deemed fit at any given moment;
  4. and no matter what it takes or how it might destroy you, you must absolutely find a way to be known by the “big” of this world, do their biddings, be at their total and full disposal, and what sounds even more extraordinary, be also willing to stab them in the back should need be when in presence of the appropriate “bigger” party.

That got me in thinking mode for about a week, caused a huge depression and made me wonder why on earth my mother took so long to bring me up to a certain level of education, shape me with so many values, build my personality with so much knowledge of what is right, wrong and unacceptable, if all I need to do to be known, valued, recognized as the wonderful person and worker that I am is to just “lick” whatever comes my way. I am not frustrated! Do not get me wrong. I am just… out of words!

If that’s what our society has fallen so deeply into, then I shall remain my unknown / shadowy / not-so-popular-pitiful self, earning just enough to keep my head above water and fighting hard enough to keep the true values alive and not the newly-stated-fast-way-to-get-up-the-ladder methods.

This is just my point of view. See it as you will.

Behind my tears

I am a crier

I don’t keep a so-called dignified composure just to keep a facade. I let my tears flow when the cup is too full, too empty, too heavy, too light… Any too much of whatever needing to go out is washed by my tears.

A common mistake is thinking tears make me weak. On the contrary! If you see me cry, best prepare for the comeback that will for sure follow. If you see me cry, best keep in mind that you have not witnessed that scene out of mere luck or just because I was in a desperate need of attention.

I am a crier, yet a loner. My tears are personal, my tears are a treasure. It is that rain that cleanse my insight and keeps me sane. It is that thunder that shuts all my inner noises, demanding silence and obedience. It is like that chief in command keeping all things aligned.

I don’t just pretend tears, I don’t use them as a ridiculous seduction mean, I don’t force them out as a manipulation weapon.  If you have seen my tears, know that I was in my fill up moment. The moment I was letting go of the pain, the anger, the negative impulse. The moment I was accepting what perhaps my heart and soul already knew for facts, but which my human logic refused to admit.

Tears are words unsaid“.

I wonder… I wander…

People will often wonder about your tears
But they wont wander far enough to ease the roots
People will often wonder about your frown
But they wont wander far enough to smooth your skin
People will often wonder about your broken laughter
But they wont wander far enough to free its cords
People will often wonder about the “hows”
But they wont wander far enough in the “whys”, the ” whats”, the “whens”
People will often wonder about apparent strength and intuition
But they wont wander far enough to see the betrayals, the scars, the “let go”

For the first time, I have known solitude in a crowd and not wish to die. I have watched myself unearth past pains and not wish to disappear. I have looked around me at the seemingly flawless companionship never known to me and not wish to vanish in thin air, or worst wish to be someone else. For the first time, I have come to realize that no one can be me, just like I can never be someone else. I have finally reached the first step of my journey to growth, my journey to my higher self.

Lesson learned: “Bonds are created. Bonds are also broken. What truly matters is now how long they last, but how deep they go into bringing our very best.”

In the end…

We must learn to give up
In order to grow
Give in
In order to heal
Accept the tears
To share a smile
Go through heartache
To know true joy
Face loneliness
To someday know love
Lose way
To find faith
Yet …. also….
Be weak enough
To take all in
Be strong enough
To accept a helping hand

Important: adjective

  • of great significance or value.
  • (of a person) having high rank or status.
  • (of an artist or artistic work) significantly original and influential.

You are important … meaning you hold a certain value, you are an asset to whatever advantage that is sought

You are important to me… meaning you play a key role in my life, you are among the whats and the whos I need to make my life complete

How many times have we used these words simply to tie someone down, make them believe in a seemingly important status, only to trash them aside when their role is no longer required? We make plans, we set goals, we work towards our dreams… yet we forget the impact these important facts have on the ones we supposedly gave a certain status of “importance”. We drop the bombs out of the blue, as if, as light as a feather, they will not shatter the balance of those oh so valuable someones we pretend to care about.

This is an introspection which is meant to force you to reach out or should I say, reach in yourself for that part where lies the key to your life, the key to your very being, the core of what makes you YOU. This is an introspection not meant to be fully understood by all, yet seeking to force all to SEE. Your words, actings, silences,… the whole package that makes you the one you are, that entire set can bring up a soul or completely crash a life…

Don’t give out titles if you don’t mean to act upon them. Don’t say words just for the sake of saying them. You don’t know how deep the prints go…

Pointless

We each were born into this life with our dreams, our aspirations. We each wanted to do things, achieve things, build things. We each wanted to be known, recognized for our greatness, loved, cared for, cherished. Some of use wanted to be popular, wanted their faces on build boards, their names on all lips. Some of us wanted the intimacy of being anonymous in their good deeds, the joy of bringing hope, the thrill of putting a new life back on track…

Yet one day, we all wake up and wonder why? What is the point of any of this? What is the use of fighting if a life can be destroyed over nonsense, with no explanation, no warning, no shame? What’s the point if out of the blue, a lunatic can shatter a network simply by aiming someone out of hate, fear, madness or simply because the job was paid for?

Some people say this and that country is the issue. Some others, this and that group is the issue. More others, this and that ethnic crowd is the issue. Some take to guns, some take to demonstrations, some take to riots, some take to hiding. All and all, all are motivated by fear, hatred, anger. Is that what will save us and make the change?

I have come now to wonder, what actually can save us and make the change? Some say religion, some say new government, some say leave the country, some just remain numb. I am out of words, once more in less than 2 weeks. I am out of words and lost in translation.

Do I need to still try and be a better person? Or should I just follow the herd, become inhuman till the day I die?

 

That ride called love!

When you are young and think about love, you picture this big cloud taking you high up in the sky where nothing can possibly touch you and pull you back down… As you grow and gain a certain “life wisdom” you realize that love is anything and everything BUT that!

Love is your emotions going haywire while you are still unable of breaking that bridge. Love is getting pissed off so badly your gut hurts, yet you cannot/will not hurt that other person because you know that by doing so you would hurt no one else but yourself in the process. Love is having your reason (your brain) and your emotions (your heart) totally and inexplicably at war because you know (yes you DO) that no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, you know when you are in the wrong and what is hidden (or at least what you are trying to hide) behind the surface. Love is watching your dreams crumble as the years go by simply because you have put someone else’s wellbeing before yours (you may or may not regret it in the long run) and only you know just why you had made that sacrifice. Love is wanting to strangle, beat-up, and car-crash that other person, but hey! You are not a criminal and you are far too deep in your empathy towards the other to actual act upon your desire for madness. Love is accepting the unacceptable (according to your standards and needs), love is putting (exactly) those needs on a lesser level just to be there for the other person.

As you have realized, this is not a lovey-dovey type of text. It’s the downright, crude, raw, undiluted truth about what “love” is all about regardless of the type of “love” we are referring to. It isn’t all roses and sunshine. It isn’t all pink and red and hearts and kisses. It’s the dark sky, heavy rain, mudded routes, shadowed hallways, sleepless cycles, hair-pulling moments… and we could go on and on.

Do not lie to yourself! Be honest! Sit and BE HONEST. You have gone through those days you would give just about anything to have the power to push the other down a 10-story building then resurrect him/her and wash his/her memory just so you would feel better…. Good news is, that’s normal!!! You are human!

So now, after you are done thinking me either right, crazy, sarcastic or downright funny, take some time and BREATHE! The ride is never stable… Breathe and carry on my friend! Good luck and “may the force be with you.”

Puzzle

Life is a puzzle with so many pieces that it takes years to fully understand the whole picture. Each of us is a tiny piece. Yet we are so obsessed with fighting our “way out” that we forget to build our “way in”.

You are a piece of that puzzle called life. It may take days, months, or even years for you to find your right place. Do not ever settle for a spot that simply seems right just because you want to fit in. Do not lose your integrity just to be accepted by the “clan”. Remain genuine, no matter the time and place. Protect your soul no matter who comes up against you. Remember! If they come up to fight you, it is because they see in you what they can never be. Do not allow them to turn you into what you are not. If you do not fit, don’t force it. Carry-on! Your true space is somewhere along the way. Set your heart and you will find it.

Letting go

i am not from your world
my words are what i mean
my gestures dont hold double meaning
my smile is genuine
my heart forever binding

i am not from your world
i dont trouble what i claim as mine
i dont hide and seek so i can shine
i dont yell then hide behind a smile
i dont fret and pretend i am blind

i am not from your world
you and i were meant to crash
yet here i was thinking we could fly
better late than never
even with blood on my hands
i am finally letting go
of what can never stand

Is trust overrated

TBT – August 2013

I woke up this morning with the weirdest thought. Is it that my brain is on fire? Or is it just that my heart has forgotten the meaning of peace? Could it be that this world, as we had seen it in the most beautiful state of age is nothing more but a myth? All are behind closed doors, showing nothing more than masks hiding their true colors. If you wish to be considered worthy, then join the pretense dance! Dare to show feelings, or the forbidden vulnerability and you will find yourself crushed and pushed aside even by your very own kin.

Is trust truly overrated? Has it now turned to a way of life to always keep a knife in one hand while extending the other filled with honey supplies enough to have an entire bee community dive in? Is trust and all known “values” truly overrated? Do I need to find the Einstein’s machine to turn myself into a monster or can I still dare make use of my humanity?

Adjust Your Vision of Life

Nothing is just black or white.  It is our role to adjust our vision and make the best of whatever the situation.

Our mental state, beliefs, fears… these are among the few that actually give shape to our perception of life. Indeed at times things we never wished for will knock on our doors when we seemingly less needed them to appear. But if we look closer and truly “adjust our vision”, the lesson to be learned, skills to be acquired, values to be nurtured will wink and smile back at us no matter how deeply hidden they are behind our obvious opponent.

I am not trying to “sound” wise. This is mostly for me, so I remember when I feel like giving up, so I remember when doubts hit me full force, so I remember when my eyes are burning so badly… Miracles DO happen! And the First and Greatest Miracle of all is ME.

I may go through what I see as trials, carry what I see as burdens, face what I see as unstoppable enemy… As I adjust my vision I see lessons, tools for the future, growth opportunities. Letting them put me down is my choice. Yes I will reach a point where I won’t know which way to go; yes I may reach a point where I will break; but NO I will no longer forget that power within me, that Power in which I find the will to move on, that POWER with which no matter the trial, burden, ennemy, I Am Unstoppable.

Love war: untold story of a hidden world

I love you”, he says

What do you know about love?”,  she asks

When I look at the things I do and the way I feel, I just know”.

Love is not putting me on hold to handle your own things. Love is not having your way and leaving me on the side guessing. Love is not coming to me for sex and getting mad at my lack of reaction. Love is most certainly not disregarding my pain, minimizing the way I feel, saying whatever comes to your mind and expecting me to jump at your approach like a faithful pet. Love is not having me beg for attention”.

Come on! I don’t do these things. You know I care, right? If we do not make it, then I am done with relationships”.

She turns and looks at him, her eyes holding a sad smile

I have heard these words before. Yet here is the problem: they are nothing but words. Facts have proven otherwise. When you do care, you don’t just say it, you become it in the way you talk, in the way you act, in the way you live. When you do care, you don’t keep certain things out of sight <in case you run dry>. When you actually do care, the object of said care comes first no matter what, no matter when, no matter how. When you do care, you focus is not <elsewhere>, it is <here>.

Words and Thoughts Unveiled

Words leave scars light as feathers and deep as tortured wounds… Creating scattered memories that are pinned between darkness and light. Words have the power to remove the flesh from your back, carving in deep resentment and hurt. Some words lightly caress your inner confidence others destroy it with the blow of an atomic bomb. Hiroshima words that leave out marks for generations to come. Others are sweet to the soul, soothing and comforting. Oh the power of words over you! Words often speak louder than actions. They can bleach out the color from you cheeks, or delightfully blush them as they fall from beloved lips.

Cath Vilbrun

Thoughts kill, thoughts heal. They are the shadow blocking our way, or the mirror shining from our inner light. Their power is ours to give. Taking this in full account is the only way to free our soul axnd let our full potential bloom.

Shed Montfort

Words… Thoughts… all Unveiled!

Your Journey

Some things are just not meant for you, even if they seem like “the” thing of the moment. Listen to the signs and admit to yourself that you are destined for something else. Let go and move on.

Don’t be angry or bitter. Anger and bitterness, or even forcing your path to follow the exact pattern of another’s, will only lead to frustrations and to the impairment of your essence. Face the fact that your path simply doesn’t include such occurrences. No matter how fulfilling it may appear, if it isn’t meant to be part of your journey, it will one day blow away.

You are You. Your path is yours and yours alone. Listen to the signs. Simply wish well and move on.

Growth

I have always hated my father
Yet the best part of me I took after him
Writing!
What makes me who I am.
What gives me strength
What helps me face the day
What allows me to breathe

I have always hated my father
Yet I have started a journey
In which I must accept all parts of me
If I want to be whole
I must embrace my flaws, my weaknesses,
Those dark spots I am so ashamed of

I have always hated my father
And that sentiment has gotten me bitter
Bitter to the point where all fatherhood bearers
Were nothing more but devils in disguise
Yet I am taking on a new aspect of this figure
Looking at a the other side of the coin
The side from which all men aren’t pure evil
No matter their vices, no matter their misdeeds

I have always hated my father
Yet I have grown to see him as a human being
With his own pain and shattered dreams
With his turmoil and low self-esteem
And today I dare say
That I have learned to love him
For that part of me
Without which I would be incomplete
For that dream in me
A dream one day I will complete

Faded

Sad but fighting
Glazed but shining
My inner turmoil locked away
I gaze at all seeming to phase

I shake and hurt
My dreams shattered
My longings disregarded
But I hold my head high
Walk as though queen of my world
Even though inside I am crumbling

I laugh, I talk
I shout, I retaliate
To the untrained eye
Nothing seems out of place
But as I seek to hide
My light seems to deem

A phoenix, a fire
That’s what they see
A sun rising, a power
Perhaps I might some day be
For now I keep my secret
Safely away
That of a child wishing for a new day

Faces of Lies

Lie to me. Please keep on lying to me. I will force myself to smile. But bear in mind that I will be watching.

Lie to me. Please keep on lying to me. I will not fight. I will not make a scene. I will act as if I do not know what each of your attempts means.

Lie to me. Feel free to lie to me. I am after all yours to do as you see fit, to turn around as a puppet only meant to do your will.

Lie to me. Yet when I do see fit, when the time, MY time, is right, I will rip your skin bit by bit, slowly tearing you open, piece by piece. Not with my bear hands! Oh no! I am not that savage. But with a need of me the selfless junkie in you will only understand when I suddenly vanish out of your hands.

Welcome to the Puppet Show…

Play your cards right and you get to be the rising glory of the puppet show.  You’re cast for the lead role.  But first they must prepare and fix you for the scenes.  You are presented with a vast wardrobe of items to choose from.  You can wear a jacket of fear, or a hat called mediocrity.  You will also find several pair of gloves named violence, in different shades and textures. There are boots made of selfishness and domination, and light slippers of indecision.  There is almost anything you could possibly imagine, even exotic scarves made of silky resentfulness and jewelry made of golden avarice and a precious stone called greed.

You are dressed up and your mouth is fueled with words to say.  Your gestures are rehearsed to reflect the reality you are to reenact:  their own.

Lights! Camera!  Action!

It’s time to enter the stage.  Your face hidden under a heavy mask of makeup, you feel ever so confident to face the audience.   So you think.

Behind the scenes, the entire crew encourages you enthusiastically, all the while, pulling the strings on your puppet soul. Caught in the act, you give out a brilliant performance: the one called shedding oneself.  You have been the clown.  You have made them laugh and made them cry.  The crowed loved you, because you made sure to never touch deeply.  All you had to do was to display your flaws, making them enviable, becoming the mascot of a decadent society.  It’s a tragic-comedy where your audience both lightly cries and takes a deep laugh… at themselves mostly!

But for the slightest of moments, you are frozen in your act, as a little voice inside reminds you that this scene is not yours to play.  As the curtains fall down and the director yells “cut”, what else remains under the mask but you?….

Text by Cath Vilbrun, from Unveiled

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Life is the teacher. I am a student.

1) I always have a choice. I can either focus on what is important to me, or allow fear and madness to paralyze me.

2) what I label as “important”, what I give top priority to is what I will risk my life for no matter the consequences.

3) regardless of what is going on around me or inside me, my top priorities will be what I will focus on, what I will fight for, and most importantly, what will give me the needed resilience to carry one.

Lastly, being in a sort of “dependant” situation helped me discover the people around me. I like to use the word “categorize”. It helped me categorize those around me. Make no mistake! Those you would have thought to bleed for are often not the ones who will reciprocate. And those that remain in the shaddows, following you from far, those are often the ones to reveal themselves as the most surprising life-givers.

Oh and you know that little thing we hear often? That Karma is always in action? That good-deeds are never lost but simply stored till the time is right for them to bounce back at us? Yes! That little thought! Never forget it! Because the same burn you felt when you shared your heart helping another soul, that same burn will be felt when you will need a heart to be shared with you. And that’s what we call “miracles”.