November introspection openings

Question of the day.

How can one “genuinely caring” survive in a world where it is the “I” that counts and not “we”? Where each being is focused of their own personal interest and not on what can affect another? Where even loved ones seem to have far more consideration for non-close-relatives then their own ” family”?

Is it then so surprising that said genuine soul goes into disguise and builds protective walls against all harshness and simply refuses to leave all doors open? How ironical is it then that this soul trying nothing more than to protect itself now suddently becomes the ennemy of those unable to use its kindness anymore as they please?

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Alone…

I have often wondered if that word could ever be fully understood, as it is often blocked in the simple logic of not having anyone around, of not being with anyone. But deep down, it absolutely isn’t that simple.

Alone is being in the crowd even surrounded by close ones and feeling lost and out of place.

Alone is not knowing who to turn to when that sudden grip holds our heart and makes our soul shiver out of fear of the unknown

Alone is having your echo answer back when you cry out of pain and anguish, when you desperately need a helping hand, but only meet shadows passing by

Alone is having no one to applaud your efforts, rejoice when you climb higher up the ladder, shout words of encouragement when you are close to breaking down, open their arms to welcome you when you feel this ship called life is about to go down

Alone is staring at your face in the mirror and wonder who that person can possibly be

Alone is not knowing which step to take at a crossroad and having nothing but emptiness pushing you forward

Alone is wishing for what can never be, knowing the wish is impossible, yet still wishing so not to let go.

I believe THAT is what Alone should be described as

Fight back

Is it normal to feel sad? Yes

Is it normal to feel drained? Yes

Is it normal to have down times? Yes

Is it normal to see nothing but a total blur at times? Yes

Is it normal to think this post an apology for negative emotions? Yes

Now, is it normal to back down and simply let yourself be dragged by the veil of uncertainty? This one is a big, fat NO

I am not trying to be overly positive. Not at all! There are indeed times where, for no apparent reason, something simply feels amiss like you just don’t recognize yourself and you end up wondering what’s the point of everything… I mean really EVERYTHING. You simply get lost in translation, out of words, with no desire to move and step up. It is as if an invisible force was trying to pull you under with each weird thought, weird nightmare, and weird emotion leaving you emptier than you were already feeling…

I am going through such a moment and, call it serendipity, call it faith, call coincidence, call it signs (as I do), many things simply pop out of nowhere to remind me that I am on my journey for a reason, no matter how confused it gets me at times. I saw the “fighting pain with laughter” video on Facebook, I saw some specific self-acceptance quotes on Instagram, I received daily motivation readings from a friend with details on the why of the world’s tormented current state… these signs are there to remind me that I AM, that I am not just a vegetative being, but a thinking one.

I am NOT a mistake. I was not just dropped there "out of the blue". I may still be struggling to find MY reason for being, my reason for being on that specific path. But never more will I believe that I just "happened" to be here at this stage, at this age, in this position simply by sheer luck. No matter the pain, the tears, the doubts, I will LEARN, TEACH and GROW through it all.

The New Found Society (September TBT)

How ironical… I was told lately that diplomas and dedication aren’t what actually take you to the top in the nowadays society. In order to succeed:

  1. you must be willing to stoop low enough so to have your nose close to the ground;
  2. you must insure to have the right acquaintances in your agenda;
  3. you must agree to be stepped upon, used and abused, and turned into whatever is deemed fit at any given moment;
  4. and no matter what it takes or how it might destroy you, you must absolutely find a way to be known by the “big” of this world, do their biddings, be at their total and full disposal, and what sounds even more extraordinary, be also willing to stab them in the back should need be when in presence of the appropriate “bigger” party.

That got me in thinking mode for about a week, caused a huge depression and made me wonder why on earth my mother took so long to bring me up to a certain level of education, shape me with so many values, build my personality with so much knowledge of what is right, wrong and unacceptable, if all I need to do to be known, valued, recognized as the wonderful person and worker that I am is to just “lick” whatever comes my way. I am not frustrated! Do not get me wrong. I am just… out of words!

If that’s what our society has fallen so deeply into, then I shall remain my unknown / shadowy / not-so-popular-pitiful self, earning just enough to keep my head above water and fighting hard enough to keep the true values alive and not the newly-stated-fast-way-to-get-up-the-ladder methods.

This is just my point of view. See it as you will.

Behind my tears

I am a crier

I don’t keep a so-called dignified composure just to keep a facade. I let my tears flow when the cup is too full, too empty, too heavy, too light… Any too much of whatever needing to go out is washed by my tears.

A common mistake is thinking tears make me weak. On the contrary! If you see me cry, best prepare for the comeback that will for sure follow. If you see me cry, best keep in mind that you have not witnessed that scene out of mere luck or just because I was in a desperate need of attention.

I am a crier, yet a loner. My tears are personal, my tears are a treasure. It is that rain that cleanse my insight and keeps me sane. It is that thunder that shuts all my inner noises, demanding silence and obedience. It is like that chief in command keeping all things aligned.

I don’t just pretend tears, I don’t use them as a ridiculous seduction mean, I don’t force them out as a manipulation weapon.  If you have seen my tears, know that I was in my fill up moment. The moment I was letting go of the pain, the anger, the negative impulse. The moment I was accepting what perhaps my heart and soul already knew for facts, but which my human logic refused to admit.

Tears are words unsaid“.

I wonder… I wander…

People will often wonder about your tears
But they wont wander far enough to ease the roots
People will often wonder about your frown
But they wont wander far enough to smooth your skin
People will often wonder about your broken laughter
But they wont wander far enough to free its cords
People will often wonder about the “hows”
But they wont wander far enough in the “whys”, the ” whats”, the “whens”
People will often wonder about apparent strength and intuition
But they wont wander far enough to see the betrayals, the scars, the “let go”

For the first time, I have known solitude in a crowd and not wish to die. I have watched myself unearth past pains and not wish to disappear. I have looked around me at the seemingly flawless companionship never known to me and not wish to vanish in thin air, or worst wish to be someone else. For the first time, I have come to realize that no one can be me, just like I can never be someone else. I have finally reached the first step of my journey to growth, my journey to my higher self.

Lesson learned: “Bonds are created. Bonds are also broken. What truly matters is now how long they last, but how deep they go into bringing our very best.”

In the end…

We must learn to give up
In order to grow
Give in
In order to heal
Accept the tears
To share a smile
Go through heartache
To know true joy
Face loneliness
To someday know love
Lose way
To find faith
Yet …. also….
Be weak enough
To take all in
Be strong enough
To accept a helping hand

Important: adjective

  • of great significance or value.
  • (of a person) having high rank or status.
  • (of an artist or artistic work) significantly original and influential.

You are important … meaning you hold a certain value, you are an asset to whatever advantage that is sought

You are important to me… meaning you play a key role in my life, you are among the whats and the whos I need to make my life complete

How many times have we used these words simply to tie someone down, make them believe in a seemingly important status, only to trash them aside when their role is no longer required? We make plans, we set goals, we work towards our dreams… yet we forget the impact these important facts have on the ones we supposedly gave a certain status of “importance”. We drop the bombs out of the blue, as if, as light as a feather, they will not shatter the balance of those oh so valuable someones we pretend to care about.

This is an introspection which is meant to force you to reach out or should I say, reach in yourself for that part where lies the key to your life, the key to your very being, the core of what makes you YOU. This is an introspection not meant to be fully understood by all, yet seeking to force all to SEE. Your words, actings, silences,… the whole package that makes you the one you are, that entire set can bring up a soul or completely crash a life…

Don’t give out titles if you don’t mean to act upon them. Don’t say words just for the sake of saying them. You don’t know how deep the prints go…

Pointless

We each were born into this life with our dreams, our aspirations. We each wanted to do things, achieve things, build things. We each wanted to be known, recognized for our greatness, loved, cared for, cherished. Some of use wanted to be popular, wanted their faces on build boards, their names on all lips. Some of us wanted the intimacy of being anonymous in their good deeds, the joy of bringing hope, the thrill of putting a new life back on track…

Yet one day, we all wake up and wonder why? What is the point of any of this? What is the use of fighting if a life can be destroyed over nonsense, with no explanation, no warning, no shame? What’s the point if out of the blue, a lunatic can shatter a network simply by aiming someone out of hate, fear, madness or simply because the job was paid for?

Some people say this and that country is the issue. Some others, this and that group is the issue. More others, this and that ethnic crowd is the issue. Some take to guns, some take to demonstrations, some take to riots, some take to hiding. All and all, all are motivated by fear, hatred, anger. Is that what will save us and make the change?

I have come now to wonder, what actually can save us and make the change? Some say religion, some say new government, some say leave the country, some just remain numb. I am out of words, once more in less than 2 weeks. I am out of words and lost in translation.

Do I need to still try and be a better person? Or should I just follow the herd, become inhuman till the day I die?

 

2006 – 2017… Tout un voyage!

Entre l’écriture et moi… Une histoire de passions, de déchirements, d’angoisses, de séparations amères et de retrouvailles enivrantes…

Dans mon “ERRANCE”, cherchant à guérir de mes blessures, je me suis “MISE-A-NUE”. Il est parfois bénéfique d’interrompre le silence par le cri de nos émotions “UNVEILED”. Ainsi ai-je compris combien la vie était “PHENOMENA“.

Après un temps de pauses et d’introspections, j’ai pu immortaliser mes “EPHEMERIDES”. Je me suis tournée vers la spiritualité avec un “COEUR EN VEILLE”, cherchant à comprendre le sens du tumulte en moi. Ne voulant rien oublier de mon vécu, j’ai retracé les “VISAGES IMMORTELS”, ce qui m’a porté à admettre l’aspect plutôt “PECULIAR” de mon existence.

Suite à un arc-en-ciel d’événements et d’émotions sans précédent, je me livre donc “HEART & SOUL” à la Puissance régissant l’univers. Dans l’espoir de réponses, mes pas me porteront peut-être vers les souvenirs d’antan pour admettre mes “CONFUSIONS”, confronter mes “ILLUSIONS” et traverser mes “NUITS BLANCHES”. “IRONIE ET SARCASME” font pourtant le poids sur la balance… Tout a sa raison d’être… ou de ne point être…

L’existence est une pièce à “DOUBLE FACE”. Il faut savoir quand avancer et quand se tourner vers les ARCHIVES du temps d’autrefois… Le plus important, peu importe la route, l’expérience ou les charges s’imposant, il ne faut point perdre de vue que la clef de toute existence reside dans la recherche de “KLETE NAN KALVE”.

https://shedmontfortbooks.wordpress.com/

That ride called love!

When you are young and think about love, you picture this big cloud taking you high up in the sky where nothing can possibly touch you and pull you back down… As you grow and gain a certain “life wisdom” you realize that love is anything and everything BUT that!

Love is your emotions going haywire while you are still unable of breaking that bridge. Love is getting pissed off so badly your gut hurts, yet you cannot/will not hurt that other person because you know that by doing so you would hurt no one else but yourself in the process. Love is having your reason (your brain) and your emotions (your heart) totally and inexplicably at war because you know (yes you DO) that no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, you know when you are in the wrong and what is hidden (or at least what you are trying to hide) behind the surface. Love is watching your dreams crumble as the years go by simply because you have put someone else’s wellbeing before yours (you may or may not regret it in the long run) and only you know just why you had made that sacrifice. Love is wanting to strangle, beat-up, and car-crash that other person, but hey! You are not a criminal and you are far too deep in your empathy towards the other to actual act upon your desire for madness. Love is accepting the unacceptable (according to your standards and needs), love is putting (exactly) those needs on a lesser level just to be there for the other person.

As you have realized, this is not a lovey-dovey type of text. It’s the downright, crude, raw, undiluted truth about what “love” is all about regardless of the type of “love” we are referring to. It isn’t all roses and sunshine. It isn’t all pink and red and hearts and kisses. It’s the dark sky, heavy rain, mudded routes, shadowed hallways, sleepless cycles, hair-pulling moments… and we could go on and on.

Do not lie to yourself! Be honest! Sit and BE HONEST. You have gone through those days you would give just about anything to have the power to push the other down a 10-story building then resurrect him/her and wash his/her memory just so you would feel better…. Good news is, that’s normal!!! You are human!

So now, after you are done thinking me either right, crazy, sarcastic or downright funny, take some time and BREATHE! The ride is never stable… Breathe and carry on my friend! Good luck and “may the force be with you.”

Puzzle

Life is a puzzle with so many pieces that it takes years to fully understand the whole picture. Each of us is a tiny piece. Yet we are so obsessed with fighting our “way out” that we forget to build our “way in”.

You are a piece of that puzzle called life. It may take days, months, or even years for you to find your right place. Do not ever settle for a spot that simply seems right just because you want to fit in. Do not lose your integrity just to be accepted by the “clan”. Remain genuine, no matter the time and place. Protect your soul no matter who comes up against you. Remember! If they come up to fight you, it is because they see in you what they can never be. Do not allow them to turn you into what you are not. If you do not fit, don’t force it. Carry-on! Your true space is somewhere along the way. Set your heart and you will find it.

Letting go

i am not from your world
my words are what i mean
my gestures dont hold double meaning
my smile is genuine
my heart forever binding

i am not from your world
i dont trouble what i claim as mine
i dont hide and seek so i can shine
i dont yell then hide behind a smile
i dont fret and pretend i am blind

i am not from your world
you and i were meant to crash
yet here i was thinking we could fly
better late than never
even with blood on my hands
i am finally letting go
of what can never stand

Is trust overrated

TBT – August 2013

I woke up this morning with the weirdest thought. Is it that my brain is on fire? Or is it just that my heart has forgotten the meaning of peace? Could it be that this world, as we had seen it in the most beautiful state of age is nothing more but a myth? All are behind closed doors, showing nothing more than masks hiding their true colors. If you wish to be considered worthy, then join the pretense dance! Dare to show feelings, or the forbidden vulnerability and you will find yourself crushed and pushed aside even by your very own kin.

Is trust truly overrated? Has it now turned to a way of life to always keep a knife in one hand while extending the other filled with honey supplies enough to have an entire bee community dive in? Is trust and all known “values” truly overrated? Do I need to find the Einstein’s machine to turn myself into a monster or can I still dare make use of my humanity?

Adjust Your Vision of Life

Nothing is just black or white.  It is our role to adjust our vision and make the best of whatever the situation.

Our mental state, beliefs, fears… these are among the few that actually give shape to our perception of life. Indeed at times things we never wished for will knock on our doors when we seemingly less needed them to appear. But if we look closer and truly “adjust our vision”, the lesson to be learned, skills to be acquired, values to be nurtured will wink and smile back at us no matter how deeply hidden they are behind our obvious opponent.

I am not trying to “sound” wise. This is mostly for me, so I remember when I feel like giving up, so I remember when doubts hit me full force, so I remember when my eyes are burning so badly… Miracles DO happen! And the First and Greatest Miracle of all is ME.

I may go through what I see as trials, carry what I see as burdens, face what I see as unstoppable enemy… As I adjust my vision I see lessons, tools for the future, growth opportunities. Letting them put me down is my choice. Yes I will reach a point where I won’t know which way to go; yes I may reach a point where I will break; but NO I will no longer forget that power within me, that Power in which I find the will to move on, that POWER with which no matter the trial, burden, ennemy, I Am Unstoppable.

Love war: untold story of a hidden world

I love you”, he says

What do you know about love?”,  she asks

When I look at the things I do and the way I feel, I just know”.

Love is not putting me on hold to handle your own things. Love is not having your way and leaving me on the side guessing. Love is not coming to me for sex and getting mad at my lack of reaction. Love is most certainly not disregarding my pain, minimizing the way I feel, saying whatever comes to your mind and expecting me to jump at your approach like a faithful pet. Love is not having me beg for attention”.

Come on! I don’t do these things. You know I care, right? If we do not make it, then I am done with relationships”.

She turns and looks at him, her eyes holding a sad smile

I have heard these words before. Yet here is the problem: they are nothing but words. Facts have proven otherwise. When you do care, you don’t just say it, you become it in the way you talk, in the way you act, in the way you live. When you do care, you don’t keep certain things out of sight <in case you run dry>. When you actually do care, the object of said care comes first no matter what, no matter when, no matter how. When you do care, you focus is not <elsewhere>, it is <here>.

Words and Thoughts Unveiled

Words leave scars light as feathers and deep as tortured wounds… Creating scattered memories that are pinned between darkness and light. Words have the power to remove the flesh from your back, carving in deep resentment and hurt. Some words lightly caress your inner confidence others destroy it with the blow of an atomic bomb. Hiroshima words that leave out marks for generations to come. Others are sweet to the soul, soothing and comforting. Oh the power of words over you! Words often speak louder than actions. They can bleach out the color from you cheeks, or delightfully blush them as they fall from beloved lips.

Cath Vilbrun

Thoughts kill, thoughts heal. They are the shadow blocking our way, or the mirror shining from our inner light. Their power is ours to give. Taking this in full account is the only way to free our soul axnd let our full potential bloom.

Shed Montfort

Words… Thoughts… all Unveiled!

Your Journey

Some things are just not meant for you, even if they seem like “the” thing of the moment. Listen to the signs and admit to yourself that you are destined for something else. Let go and move on.

Don’t be angry or bitter. Anger and bitterness, or even forcing your path to follow the exact pattern of another’s, will only lead to frustrations and to the impairment of your essence. Face the fact that your path simply doesn’t include such occurrences. No matter how fulfilling it may appear, if it isn’t meant to be part of your journey, it will one day blow away.

You are You. Your path is yours and yours alone. Listen to the signs. Simply wish well and move on.

Growth

I have always hated my father
Yet the best part of me I took after him
Writing!
What makes me who I am.
What gives me strength
What helps me face the day
What allows me to breathe

I have always hated my father
Yet I have started a journey
In which I must accept all parts of me
If I want to be whole
I must embrace my flaws, my weaknesses,
Those dark spots I am so ashamed of

I have always hated my father
And that sentiment has gotten me bitter
Bitter to the point where all fatherhood bearers
Were nothing more but devils in disguise
Yet I am taking on a new aspect of this figure
Looking at a the other side of the coin
The side from which all men aren’t pure evil
No matter their vices, no matter their misdeeds

I have always hated my father
Yet I have grown to see him as a human being
With his own pain and shattered dreams
With his turmoil and low self-esteem
And today I dare say
That I have learned to love him
For that part of me
Without which I would be incomplete
For that dream in me
A dream one day I will complete

Faded

Sad but fighting
Glazed but shining
My inner turmoil locked away
I gaze at all seeming to phase

I shake and hurt
My dreams shattered
My longings disregarded
But I hold my head high
Walk as though queen of my world
Even though inside I am crumbling

I laugh, I talk
I shout, I retaliate
To the untrained eye
Nothing seems out of place
But as I seek to hide
My light seems to deem

A phoenix, a fire
That’s what they see
A sun rising, a power
Perhaps I might some day be
For now I keep my secret
Safely away
That of a child wishing for a new day

Faces of Lies

Lie to me. Please keep on lying to me. I will force myself to smile. But bear in mind that I will be watching.

Lie to me. Please keep on lying to me. I will not fight. I will not make a scene. I will act as if I do not know what each of your attempts means.

Lie to me. Feel free to lie to me. I am after all yours to do as you see fit, to turn around as a puppet only meant to do your will.

Lie to me. Yet when I do see fit, when the time, MY time, is right, I will rip your skin bit by bit, slowly tearing you open, piece by piece. Not with my bear hands! Oh no! I am not that savage. But with a need of me the selfless junkie in you will only understand when I suddenly vanish out of your hands.

Welcome to the Puppet Show…

Play your cards right and you get to be the rising glory of the puppet show.  You’re cast for the lead role.  But first they must prepare and fix you for the scenes.  You are presented with a vast wardrobe of items to choose from.  You can wear a jacket of fear, or a hat called mediocrity.  You will also find several pair of gloves named violence, in different shades and textures. There are boots made of selfishness and domination, and light slippers of indecision.  There is almost anything you could possibly imagine, even exotic scarves made of silky resentfulness and jewelry made of golden avarice and a precious stone called greed.

You are dressed up and your mouth is fueled with words to say.  Your gestures are rehearsed to reflect the reality you are to reenact:  their own.

Lights! Camera!  Action!

It’s time to enter the stage.  Your face hidden under a heavy mask of makeup, you feel ever so confident to face the audience.   So you think.

Behind the scenes, the entire crew encourages you enthusiastically, all the while, pulling the strings on your puppet soul. Caught in the act, you give out a brilliant performance: the one called shedding oneself.  You have been the clown.  You have made them laugh and made them cry.  The crowed loved you, because you made sure to never touch deeply.  All you had to do was to display your flaws, making them enviable, becoming the mascot of a decadent society.  It’s a tragic-comedy where your audience both lightly cries and takes a deep laugh… at themselves mostly!

But for the slightest of moments, you are frozen in your act, as a little voice inside reminds you that this scene is not yours to play.  As the curtains fall down and the director yells “cut”, what else remains under the mask but you?….

Text by Cath Vilbrun, from Unveiled

Labels

Life is the teacher. I am a student.

1) I always have a choice. I can either focus on what is important to me, or allow fear and madness to paralyze me.

2) what I label as “important”, what I give top priority to is what I will risk my life for no matter the consequences.

3) regardless of what is going on around me or inside me, my top priorities will be what I will focus on, what I will fight for, and most importantly, what will give me the needed resilience to carry one.

Lastly, being in a sort of “dependant” situation helped me discover the people around me. I like to use the word “categorize”. It helped me categorize those around me. Make no mistake! Those you would have thought to bleed for are often not the ones who will reciprocate. And those that remain in the shaddows, following you from far, those are often the ones to reveal themselves as the most surprising life-givers.

Oh and you know that little thing we hear often? That Karma is always in action? That good-deeds are never lost but simply stored till the time is right for them to bounce back at us? Yes! That little thought! Never forget it! Because the same burn you felt when you shared your heart helping another soul, that same burn will be felt when you will need a heart to be shared with you. And that’s what we call “miracles”.

2017 Agenda / Journal Quotes (3)

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Why give a negative person so much power over you that it troubles your sleep? You have what it takes to counterattack! Nope! Not by displaying same troublesome behavior or making a scene, but by coating your inner world so the negative thoughts simply bounce back. Your inner peace is far too precious to be wasted on unworthy matters.

Keep your worth in mind! Remember how far you came from! Your job is not to “show you can handle it”, but to grow from within and not just according to the rules of a society on the verge of exploding. Don’t lower yourself to feed the already wicked self-esteem of a vulture.

2017 Agenda / Journal 

Do whatever it is that you need to do to LIVE. Not in the sense of earnings and riches, but in the sense of taking care of yourself and getting rid of anything and anyone not caring enough/not useful enough to your physical, emotional and spiritual health.

Vultures take different forms and shapes. They may come to you under different faces… familiar ones, strange ones, loved ones, compassionate ones, daring ones… Learn and have to courage to filter them!

There is only one YOU and you only live ONCE. Others will do whatever is best for them, will say whatever suits them, and will rid you of whatever it is they may need or want regardless of the impact on your being. Do yourself a favor and get to doing whatever may be BEST FOR YOU.

2017 Agenda / Journal Quotes (2)

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Love(noun, verb) gen.- Emotion, feeling; / more common.- Unknown and/or misunderstood and/or confused with other seemingly similar emotions.

Family(noun). Private circle of closely related persons; not limited to and/or often not defined by blood ties.

Empathy: (noun). Ability to go beyond one’s self to assist another by genuinely relating to their situation. Ability to move beyond social differences and view the other as human and equal and not as just a member of a different class.

2017 Agenda / Journal 

Dear You

You are not the ideal of what I wanted
Yet you have filled out the space for what I needed most
You are so very far from being perfect
Yet you have had my back when many I had thought to count on simply vanished
You have caused me many shattering days and nights
Yet you have woken up a hope I had long since set aside
You are still causing war between what my outer self sees and what my inner self “feels”
Yet you have contributed to me becoming a stronger person, as if part of a plan from time-never-ending
I have no idea why our paths crossed this specific way, at that specific time, with these specific aftershocks, holding these specific fires, shadowing these specific thunderstorms
I have no idea why it still matters that I both want to see you do well and still want to badly crash you
But, oh well!
This is my way of saying “thank you” for the good
For they have lifted my soul
And even “thank you” for the hellish times
For they have trained my inner warrior
You are a Special Person beneath the cover up
Should you one day decide to move beyond and truly shine from inside
May Life show you the way to its brighter side.

Exceed yourself

You’ve figured out how to get it done. Now figure out how to do it even better.

Expect the best of yourself. Then find a way to exceed those expectations.

Be pleased with what you’ve done, and satisfied with how far you’ve come. But don’t let it make you complacent.

No matter what you’ve done before, today is your opportunity to exceed yourself. Where you are is not a place to rest indefinitely, but rather a place from which to move forward.

Each achievement sets the stage for even greater achievement. Every fulfilling experience opens the door to even greater fulfillment.

Challenge yourself to exceed yourself. You deserve the best, and you deserve to keep making the best even better and better.

— Ralph Marston

2017 Agenda / Journal Quotes

untitled“Only you can choose to make a difference. Only you can choose to leave your mark.. Walk so the footprint left tells a story. Walk so when you look back you can see your hand in history”

Strong doesn’t mean fearless. Strong means acknowledging your fears, crying when you need to, scream when you need to BUT stand up! Keep on standing up no matter what. Keep on standing up and help others stand to. Keep on standing up and share the gift of life”

“The poison and the key both live in your head. Know which one you water; know which one holds the commands. At your darkest hour, that’s the one that will either kill you…or save you. Choose wisely.”

Resilience: (noun)Ability to get back up, to rise and grow after falling down; Capacity to move again after you have been broken.

 Enthusiasm: (noun)Being able to enjoy the ride regardless of the storms as the focus is on the aim and not on the ways leading there

2017 Agenda / Journal 

On the edge…

You need to have been there
To actually understand
It is not just pretty words
Well-put sentences
It is my blood in small bags
My breath in each rounded letter

You need to have been there
To actually understand
Swim in the heated pool of rage
Live through the burning
Lose yourself to the hurt
Chained up to the grief
Feeling the fire of each wound

You need to have been there
To truly understand
The release
The deep exhale
The freedom of finding one’s path
After going through hell
and back up
The nightmares
The tears
The scream
The excruciating heartache
The hated self-loathing
The seemingly forever lasting
Sense of wrong doing

You need to have been there
And even then!
I doubt you will ever understand
What it feels like
To be standing on that edge
And only your reflection
Telling you not to jump
For deep down
Deeply hidden
in your glazed eyes
Lays a destiny,
A power,
A will
Only you can fulfill

You Are Extraordinary!

Peculiar

Mixed signals

I will let it be
I will continue to pretend
Pretend to understand the silence
Pretend not to see the signs
Pretend to believe the words
Pretend not to be burned
Pretend all is just well
Pretend not to be totally torned
Pretend the pain is bitter sweet
Pretend it isnt hard to breathe

At times… nothing really matters
It is almost as if, by unforseen miracle
My memory fades and all is but shades
At times… unexpectedly
As a demon jumping out of a closet
They crush me mercilessly
Tearing at my inside
Bit by bit

One day eventually
You will see for yourself
What a heatfelt lost it is
To let go of your dreams
One day eventually
You will fully grasp
What it feels like
To be me

Access denied!

untitledCareful who you give access to your energy. That thing is real! That possibility is not mere superstition like many tend to think. Haven’t you notice your sort of automated reaction to some people? What do you think causes it? Dislike? Disgust? No! An involuntary and unconscious direct access to your life force! Don’t allow anyone, I mean ANYONE, to have so much influence on your being that you get sick just by hearing their name. That type of “allergy” should alert you. Protect your mind and soul as you do your body! Shift your thoughts. No, it will not be easy. Yes, you will slip. But in the end, you will feel a world of a difference once you’ve built that protective wall around your inner being.

2017 Agenda / Journal