My unspoken angel

I can see you with my soul’s eyes
I can feel you with my heart’s memory
I hold you as I would the wind
And hear your laughter as wave licking the shore
You are far away
Yet forever near
My unknown and everlasting
Desire

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Fight back

Is it normal to feel sad? Yes

Is it normal to feel drained? Yes

Is it normal to have down times? Yes

Is it normal to see nothing but a total blur at times? Yes

Is it normal to think this post an apology for negative emotions? Yes

Now, is it normal to back down and simply let yourself be dragged by the veil of uncertainty? This one is a big, fat NO

I am not trying to be overly positive. Not at all! There are indeed times where, for no apparent reason, something simply feels amiss like you just don’t recognize yourself and you end up wondering what’s the point of everything… I mean really EVERYTHING. You simply get lost in translation, out of words, with no desire to move and step up. It is as if an invisible force was trying to pull you under with each weird thought, weird nightmare, and weird emotion leaving you emptier than you were already feeling…

I am going through such a moment and, call it serendipity, call it faith, call coincidence, call it signs (as I do), many things simply pop out of nowhere to remind me that I am on my journey for a reason, no matter how confused it gets me at times. I saw the “fighting pain with laughter” video on Facebook, I saw some specific self-acceptance quotes on Instagram, I received daily motivation readings from a friend with details on the why of the world’s tormented current state… these signs are there to remind me that I AM, that I am not just a vegetative being, but a thinking one.

I am NOT a mistake. I was not just dropped there "out of the blue". I may still be struggling to find MY reason for being, my reason for being on that specific path. But never more will I believe that I just "happened" to be here at this stage, at this age, in this position simply by sheer luck. No matter the pain, the tears, the doubts, I will LEARN, TEACH and GROW through it all.

The New Found Society (September TBT)

How ironical… I was told lately that diplomas and dedication aren’t what actually take you to the top in the nowadays society. In order to succeed:

  1. you must be willing to stoop low enough so to have your nose close to the ground;
  2. you must insure to have the right acquaintances in your agenda;
  3. you must agree to be stepped upon, used and abused, and turned into whatever is deemed fit at any given moment;
  4. and no matter what it takes or how it might destroy you, you must absolutely find a way to be known by the “big” of this world, do their biddings, be at their total and full disposal, and what sounds even more extraordinary, be also willing to stab them in the back should need be when in presence of the appropriate “bigger” party.

That got me in thinking mode for about a week, caused a huge depression and made me wonder why on earth my mother took so long to bring me up to a certain level of education, shape me with so many values, build my personality with so much knowledge of what is right, wrong and unacceptable, if all I need to do to be known, valued, recognized as the wonderful person and worker that I am is to just “lick” whatever comes my way. I am not frustrated! Do not get me wrong. I am just… out of words!

If that’s what our society has fallen so deeply into, then I shall remain my unknown / shadowy / not-so-popular-pitiful self, earning just enough to keep my head above water and fighting hard enough to keep the true values alive and not the newly-stated-fast-way-to-get-up-the-ladder methods.

This is just my point of view. See it as you will.

Behind my tears

I am a crier

I don’t keep a so-called dignified composure just to keep a facade. I let my tears flow when the cup is too full, too empty, too heavy, too light… Any too much of whatever needing to go out is washed by my tears.

A common mistake is thinking tears make me weak. On the contrary! If you see me cry, best prepare for the comeback that will for sure follow. If you see me cry, best keep in mind that you have not witnessed that scene out of mere luck or just because I was in a desperate need of attention.

I am a crier, yet a loner. My tears are personal, my tears are a treasure. It is that rain that cleanse my insight and keeps me sane. It is that thunder that shuts all my inner noises, demanding silence and obedience. It is like that chief in command keeping all things aligned.

I don’t just pretend tears, I don’t use them as a ridiculous seduction mean, I don’t force them out as a manipulation weapon.  If you have seen my tears, know that I was in my fill up moment. The moment I was letting go of the pain, the anger, the negative impulse. The moment I was accepting what perhaps my heart and soul already knew for facts, but which my human logic refused to admit.

Tears are words unsaid“.

I wonder… I wander…

People will often wonder about your tears
But they wont wander far enough to ease the roots
People will often wonder about your frown
But they wont wander far enough to smooth your skin
People will often wonder about your broken laughter
But they wont wander far enough to free its cords
People will often wonder about the “hows”
But they wont wander far enough in the “whys”, the ” whats”, the “whens”
People will often wonder about apparent strength and intuition
But they wont wander far enough to see the betrayals, the scars, the “let go”

For the first time, I have known solitude in a crowd and not wish to die. I have watched myself unearth past pains and not wish to disappear. I have looked around me at the seemingly flawless companionship never known to me and not wish to vanish in thin air, or worst wish to be someone else. For the first time, I have come to realize that no one can be me, just like I can never be someone else. I have finally reached the first step of my journey to growth, my journey to my higher self.

Lesson learned: “Bonds are created. Bonds are also broken. What truly matters is now how long they last, but how deep they go into bringing our very best.”

In the end…

We must learn to give up
In order to grow
Give in
In order to heal
Accept the tears
To share a smile
Go through heartache
To know true joy
Face loneliness
To someday know love
Lose way
To find faith
Yet …. also….
Be weak enough
To take all in
Be strong enough
To accept a helping hand

Important: adjective

  • of great significance or value.
  • (of a person) having high rank or status.
  • (of an artist or artistic work) significantly original and influential.

You are important … meaning you hold a certain value, you are an asset to whatever advantage that is sought

You are important to me… meaning you play a key role in my life, you are among the whats and the whos I need to make my life complete

How many times have we used these words simply to tie someone down, make them believe in a seemingly important status, only to trash them aside when their role is no longer required? We make plans, we set goals, we work towards our dreams… yet we forget the impact these important facts have on the ones we supposedly gave a certain status of “importance”. We drop the bombs out of the blue, as if, as light as a feather, they will not shatter the balance of those oh so valuable someones we pretend to care about.

This is an introspection which is meant to force you to reach out or should I say, reach in yourself for that part where lies the key to your life, the key to your very being, the core of what makes you YOU. This is an introspection not meant to be fully understood by all, yet seeking to force all to SEE. Your words, actings, silences,… the whole package that makes you the one you are, that entire set can bring up a soul or completely crash a life…

Don’t give out titles if you don’t mean to act upon them. Don’t say words just for the sake of saying them. You don’t know how deep the prints go…

Pointless

We each were born into this life with our dreams, our aspirations. We each wanted to do things, achieve things, build things. We each wanted to be known, recognized for our greatness, loved, cared for, cherished. Some of use wanted to be popular, wanted their faces on build boards, their names on all lips. Some of us wanted the intimacy of being anonymous in their good deeds, the joy of bringing hope, the thrill of putting a new life back on track…

Yet one day, we all wake up and wonder why? What is the point of any of this? What is the use of fighting if a life can be destroyed over nonsense, with no explanation, no warning, no shame? What’s the point if out of the blue, a lunatic can shatter a network simply by aiming someone out of hate, fear, madness or simply because the job was paid for?

Some people say this and that country is the issue. Some others, this and that group is the issue. More others, this and that ethnic crowd is the issue. Some take to guns, some take to demonstrations, some take to riots, some take to hiding. All and all, all are motivated by fear, hatred, anger. Is that what will save us and make the change?

I have come now to wonder, what actually can save us and make the change? Some say religion, some say new government, some say leave the country, some just remain numb. I am out of words, once more in less than 2 weeks. I am out of words and lost in translation.

Do I need to still try and be a better person? Or should I just follow the herd, become inhuman till the day I die?

 

2006 – 2017… Tout un voyage!

Entre l’écriture et moi… Une histoire de passions, de déchirements, d’angoisses, de séparations amères et de retrouvailles enivrantes…

Dans mon “ERRANCE”, cherchant à guérir de mes blessures, je me suis “MISE-A-NUE”. Il est parfois bénéfique d’interrompre le silence par le cri de nos émotions “UNVEILED”. Ainsi ai-je compris combien la vie était “PHENOMENA“.

Après un temps de pauses et d’introspections, j’ai pu immortaliser mes “EPHEMERIDES”. Je me suis tournée vers la spiritualité avec un “COEUR EN VEILLE”, cherchant à comprendre le sens du tumulte en moi. Ne voulant rien oublier de mon vécu, j’ai retracé les “VISAGES IMMORTELS”, ce qui m’a porté à admettre l’aspect plutôt “PECULIAR” de mon existence.

Suite à un arc-en-ciel d’événements et d’émotions sans précédent, je me livre donc “HEART & SOUL” à la Puissance régissant l’univers. Dans l’espoir de réponses, mes pas me porteront peut-être vers les souvenirs d’antan pour admettre mes “CONFUSIONS”, confronter mes “ILLUSIONS” et traverser mes “NUITS BLANCHES”. “IRONIE ET SARCASME” font pourtant le poids sur la balance… Tout a sa raison d’être… ou de ne point être…

L’existence est une pièce à “DOUBLE FACE”. Il faut savoir quand avancer et quand se tourner vers les ARCHIVES du temps d’autrefois… Le plus important, peu importe la route, l’expérience ou les charges s’imposant, il ne faut point perdre de vue que la clef de toute existence reside dans la recherche de “KLETE NAN KALVE”.

https://shedmontfortbooks.wordpress.com/

That ride called love!

When you are young and think about love, you picture this big cloud taking you high up in the sky where nothing can possibly touch you and pull you back down… As you grow and gain a certain “life wisdom” you realize that love is anything and everything BUT that!

Love is your emotions going haywire while you are still unable of breaking that bridge. Love is getting pissed off so badly your gut hurts, yet you cannot/will not hurt that other person because you know that by doing so you would hurt no one else but yourself in the process. Love is having your reason (your brain) and your emotions (your heart) totally and inexplicably at war because you know (yes you DO) that no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, you know when you are in the wrong and what is hidden (or at least what you are trying to hide) behind the surface. Love is watching your dreams crumble as the years go by simply because you have put someone else’s wellbeing before yours (you may or may not regret it in the long run) and only you know just why you had made that sacrifice. Love is wanting to strangle, beat-up, and car-crash that other person, but hey! You are not a criminal and you are far too deep in your empathy towards the other to actual act upon your desire for madness. Love is accepting the unacceptable (according to your standards and needs), love is putting (exactly) those needs on a lesser level just to be there for the other person.

As you have realized, this is not a lovey-dovey type of text. It’s the downright, crude, raw, undiluted truth about what “love” is all about regardless of the type of “love” we are referring to. It isn’t all roses and sunshine. It isn’t all pink and red and hearts and kisses. It’s the dark sky, heavy rain, mudded routes, shadowed hallways, sleepless cycles, hair-pulling moments… and we could go on and on.

Do not lie to yourself! Be honest! Sit and BE HONEST. You have gone through those days you would give just about anything to have the power to push the other down a 10-story building then resurrect him/her and wash his/her memory just so you would feel better…. Good news is, that’s normal!!! You are human!

So now, after you are done thinking me either right, crazy, sarcastic or downright funny, take some time and BREATHE! The ride is never stable… Breathe and carry on my friend! Good luck and “may the force be with you.”

Puzzle

Life is a puzzle with so many pieces that it takes years to fully understand the whole picture. Each of us is a tiny piece. Yet we are so obsessed with fighting our “way out” that we forget to build our “way in”.

You are a piece of that puzzle called life. It may take days, months, or even years for you to find your right place. Do not ever settle for a spot that simply seems right just because you want to fit in. Do not lose your integrity just to be accepted by the “clan”. Remain genuine, no matter the time and place. Protect your soul no matter who comes up against you. Remember! If they come up to fight you, it is because they see in you what they can never be. Do not allow them to turn you into what you are not. If you do not fit, don’t force it. Carry-on! Your true space is somewhere along the way. Set your heart and you will find it.

Letting go

i am not from your world
my words are what i mean
my gestures dont hold double meaning
my smile is genuine
my heart forever binding

i am not from your world
i dont trouble what i claim as mine
i dont hide and seek so i can shine
i dont yell then hide behind a smile
i dont fret and pretend i am blind

i am not from your world
you and i were meant to crash
yet here i was thinking we could fly
better late than never
even with blood on my hands
i am finally letting go
of what can never stand

Is trust overrated

TBT – August 2013

I woke up this morning with the weirdest thought. Is it that my brain is on fire? Or is it just that my heart has forgotten the meaning of peace? Could it be that this world, as we had seen it in the most beautiful state of age is nothing more but a myth? All are behind closed doors, showing nothing more than masks hiding their true colors. If you wish to be considered worthy, then join the pretense dance! Dare to show feelings, or the forbidden vulnerability and you will find yourself crushed and pushed aside even by your very own kin.

Is trust truly overrated? Has it now turned to a way of life to always keep a knife in one hand while extending the other filled with honey supplies enough to have an entire bee community dive in? Is trust and all known “values” truly overrated? Do I need to find the Einstein’s machine to turn myself into a monster or can I still dare make use of my humanity?

Adjust Your Vision of Life

Nothing is just black or white.  It is our role to adjust our vision and make the best of whatever the situation.

Our mental state, beliefs, fears… these are among the few that actually give shape to our perception of life. Indeed at times things we never wished for will knock on our doors when we seemingly less needed them to appear. But if we look closer and truly “adjust our vision”, the lesson to be learned, skills to be acquired, values to be nurtured will wink and smile back at us no matter how deeply hidden they are behind our obvious opponent.

I am not trying to “sound” wise. This is mostly for me, so I remember when I feel like giving up, so I remember when doubts hit me full force, so I remember when my eyes are burning so badly… Miracles DO happen! And the First and Greatest Miracle of all is ME.

I may go through what I see as trials, carry what I see as burdens, face what I see as unstoppable enemy… As I adjust my vision I see lessons, tools for the future, growth opportunities. Letting them put me down is my choice. Yes I will reach a point where I won’t know which way to go; yes I may reach a point where I will break; but NO I will no longer forget that power within me, that Power in which I find the will to move on, that POWER with which no matter the trial, burden, ennemy, I Am Unstoppable.

Love war: untold story of a hidden world

I love you”, he says

What do you know about love?”,  she asks

When I look at the things I do and the way I feel, I just know”.

Love is not putting me on hold to handle your own things. Love is not having your way and leaving me on the side guessing. Love is not coming to me for sex and getting mad at my lack of reaction. Love is most certainly not disregarding my pain, minimizing the way I feel, saying whatever comes to your mind and expecting me to jump at your approach like a faithful pet. Love is not having me beg for attention”.

Come on! I don’t do these things. You know I care, right? If we do not make it, then I am done with relationships”.

She turns and looks at him, her eyes holding a sad smile

I have heard these words before. Yet here is the problem: they are nothing but words. Facts have proven otherwise. When you do care, you don’t just say it, you become it in the way you talk, in the way you act, in the way you live. When you do care, you don’t keep certain things out of sight <in case you run dry>. When you actually do care, the object of said care comes first no matter what, no matter when, no matter how. When you do care, you focus is not <elsewhere>, it is <here>.

Your Journey

Some things are just not meant for you, even if they seem like “the” thing of the moment. Listen to the signs and admit to yourself that you are destined for something else. Let go and move on.

Don’t be angry or bitter. Anger and bitterness, or even forcing your path to follow the exact pattern of another’s, will only lead to frustrations and to the impairment of your essence. Face the fact that your path simply doesn’t include such occurrences. No matter how fulfilling it may appear, if it isn’t meant to be part of your journey, it will one day blow away.

You are You. Your path is yours and yours alone. Listen to the signs. Simply wish well and move on.

Growth

I have always hated my father
Yet the best part of me I took after him
Writing!
What makes me who I am.
What gives me strength
What helps me face the day
What allows me to breathe

I have always hated my father
Yet I have started a journey
In which I must accept all parts of me
If I want to be whole
I must embrace my flaws, my weaknesses,
Those dark spots I am so ashamed of

I have always hated my father
And that sentiment has gotten me bitter
Bitter to the point where all fatherhood bearers
Were nothing more but devils in disguise
Yet I am taking on a new aspect of this figure
Looking at a the other side of the coin
The side from which all men aren’t pure evil
No matter their vices, no matter their misdeeds

I have always hated my father
Yet I have grown to see him as a human being
With his own pain and shattered dreams
With his turmoil and low self-esteem
And today I dare say
That I have learned to love him
For that part of me
Without which I would be incomplete
For that dream in me
A dream one day I will complete

Faded

Sad but fighting
Glazed but shining
My inner turmoil locked away
I gaze at all seeming to phase

I shake and hurt
My dreams shattered
My longings disregarded
But I hold my head high
Walk as though queen of my world
Even though inside I am crumbling

I laugh, I talk
I shout, I retaliate
To the untrained eye
Nothing seems out of place
But as I seek to hide
My light seems to deem

A phoenix, a fire
That’s what they see
A sun rising, a power
Perhaps I might some day be
For now I keep my secret
Safely away
That of a child wishing for a new day

Faces of Lies

Lie to me. Please keep on lying to me. I will force myself to smile. But bear in mind that I will be watching.

Lie to me. Please keep on lying to me. I will not fight. I will not make a scene. I will act as if I do not know what each of your attempts means.

Lie to me. Feel free to lie to me. I am after all yours to do as you see fit, to turn around as a puppet only meant to do your will.

Lie to me. Yet when I do see fit, when the time, MY time, is right, I will rip your skin bit by bit, slowly tearing you open, piece by piece. Not with my bear hands! Oh no! I am not that savage. But with a need of me the selfless junkie in you will only understand when I suddenly vanish out of your hands.

Labels

Life is the teacher. I am a student.

1) I always have a choice. I can either focus on what is important to me, or allow fear and madness to paralyze me.

2) what I label as “important”, what I give top priority to is what I will risk my life for no matter the consequences.

3) regardless of what is going on around me or inside me, my top priorities will be what I will focus on, what I will fight for, and most importantly, what will give me the needed resilience to carry one.

Lastly, being in a sort of “dependant” situation helped me discover the people around me. I like to use the word “categorize”. It helped me categorize those around me. Make no mistake! Those you would have thought to bleed for are often not the ones who will reciprocate. And those that remain in the shaddows, following you from far, those are often the ones to reveal themselves as the most surprising life-givers.

Oh and you know that little thing we hear often? That Karma is always in action? That good-deeds are never lost but simply stored till the time is right for them to bounce back at us? Yes! That little thought! Never forget it! Because the same burn you felt when you shared your heart helping another soul, that same burn will be felt when you will need a heart to be shared with you. And that’s what we call “miracles”.

Do whatever it is that you need to do to LIVE. Not in the sense of earnings and riches, but in the sense of taking care of yourself and getting rid of anything and anyone not caring enough/not useful enough to your physical, emotional and spiritual health.

Vultures take different forms and shapes. They may come to you under different faces… familiar ones, strange ones, loved ones, compassionate ones, daring ones… Learn and have to courage to filter them!

There is only one YOU and you only live ONCE. Others will do whatever is best for them, will say whatever suits them, and will rid you of whatever it is they may need or want regardless of the impact on your being. Do yourself a favor and get to doing whatever may be BEST FOR YOU.

Dear You

You are not the ideal of what I wanted
Yet you have filled out the space for what I needed most
You are so very far from being perfect
Yet you have had my back when many I had thought to count on simply vanished
You have caused me many shattering days and nights
Yet you have woken up a hope I had long since set aside
You are still causing war between what my outer self sees and what my inner self “feels”
Yet you have contributed to me becoming a stronger person, as if part of a plan from time-never-ending
I have no idea why our paths crossed this specific way, at that specific time, with these specific aftershocks, holding these specific fires, shadowing these specific thunderstorms
I have no idea why it still matters that I both want to see you do well and still want to badly crash you
But, oh well!
This is my way of saying “thank you” for the good
For they have lifted my soul
And even “thank you” for the hellish times
For they have trained my inner warrior
You are a Special Person beneath the cover up
Should you one day decide to move beyond and truly shine from inside
May Life show you the way to its brighter side.

Mixed signals

I will let it be
I will continue to pretend
Pretend to understand the silence
Pretend not to see the signs
Pretend to believe the words
Pretend not to be burned
Pretend all is just well
Pretend not to be totally torned
Pretend the pain is bitter sweet
Pretend it isnt hard to breathe

At times… nothing really matters
It is almost as if, by unforseen miracle
My memory fades and all is but shades
At times… unexpectedly
As a demon jumping out of a closet
They crush me mercilessly
Tearing at my inside
Bit by bit

One day eventually
You will see for yourself
What a heatfelt lost it is
To let go of your dreams
One day eventually
You will fully grasp
What it feels like
To be me

Whatever the odds

When insomnia hits, work on your dream. No matter how small or irrelevant your idea may seem, work on it. It doesn’t matter if you are the only one to believe in it, work on it. Whatever is bugging you will die out one day. Events come and pass. They tear you apart or help you grow. People come and go.They will love you or hurt you, help you see the best of you or disappoint you.

Your dream is the only thing that will never you let down as long as You keep it alive
Whatever the odds
Do your part!

Tearing thoughts

Some things you’ve lived you cannot share. Some things you’ve lived you have to bear. In the silence of your heart, in the hidden ache of your tears, in the gap of harshness pilling you in.

We all long for that perfect someone, that perfect lover, that perfect friend, that perfect next of kin, that perfect companion… regardless of the bond’s nature, we each long for those ears which will hear far more than our words. We long for those eyes that will see beyond the mask and share the burden of that loneliness we are struggling with. We all long for that heart that will go far in time in search of a way to help us heal… We all long to hear words that will make us feel that indeed we are not standing on that thin thread on our own… We each long for acceptance, understanding, a certain type of freedom that allows us to feel and express without fear of being judged and viewed as the constant complaining one, the so-called negative one acting out of the norms…

That longing often leads us astray, to a side of the road where being used and abused in the name of acceptance is so common!  Words like trust, values, uniqueness, standards, genuine understanding… these are part of dictionaries, long lost words, obsolete expressions we barely make sense of in our hunt for wealth, pride, spotlight. Yes! These are the norms…

Norms? What norms! Please pray tell! What norms? Those of a hypocritical society in which councilors are committing suicide, in which business holders are the greatest thieves, in which the holders of faith are acting far more like robots pouring out words in which they hardly believe.

Angry? Indeed I am! At times it feels as if each being still breathing is only counting the days till the next exist. Yes breathing! But NOT living! We are all pretending, actors in a masterpiece theatre. Where is the hand behind this mess? Who has instructed us how to be bloodsucking creatures while holding a semblance of manners? We give ourselves names and titles, yet act nothing of it! We call ourselves whatever pleases our fantasies, but make nothing of it! How very disturbing!

Are my words shocking? Do they disturb you? Scratch you the wrong way? If yes then my goal is met for I am simply… tired of pretending to understand what I can hardly stand.

Back to Square One

You fought …
Perhaps not hard enough
You bled …
Perhaps not nearly enough
You cried, tumbled, got back up, struggled
Kept your head above water
Dived under sharks and floating rubbles
Perhaps nothing was merely enough
For when you least expect it
The whistle blows
The judges set their votes
And without any knowledge
When, how or why
You are pushed back
Back to Square One

Letting go

I do not know all you have done

And for sure won’t know all you are doing

I simply know when that knife slowly slices the cut

When my heart burns from mistrust

I simply know when my eyes hurt from hiding

When my breath gets caught from the pain, from the lost

I simply know what my gut is trying to tell me

When my feet remain frozen from the shock

I simply know that “goodbye” is a hard word

That when the door closes

It allows no games

Let me choose

Let me choose for myself
What to feel, what to fake
Let me choose for myself
What to hide, what to chase
Don’t take away my right
Based on your own assumptions
Don’t take away my right
To cover your own misconceptions
Don’t take away my right
To process my pain
To take my time, to take my aim
You had your shot
You have used it well
Now let ME be
Who takes me out of this hell

Number X! Please rise!

Today I feel like a number in a pile. All I can think of is “how the hell….!”. There is something eating me up, but I am not brave enough to simply face it and admit defeat. Defeat? That’s a bit too strong of a word. Defeat will be when I die perhaps… depends on how one sees it. So yes, today, I am feeling off, totally out of it. It feels as if I am pulling on both sides of the same rope only to find myself tied up so badly I can barely breathe. Yet I am not in such a bad state. When I let go of the negative thoughts and “look for the light” as one would say, I am really not that bad. I haven’t accomplished ¼ of my dreams, haven’t dared ¼ of my wishes, haven’t gone even half way through my journey, but… I am still not that bad. I am hanging on and fighting my demons, hanging on and kissing the stars even from a distance… ok! A long distance. But still kissing them. So yes, I am hanging on. All will make sense someday soon. All will be worth every sweaty, screaming, dreading night. All will be “more than just fine, more than just ok.”

P.S. Initially posted on January 21st 2015, just 9 days before my Resilience story… Coincidence?… Maybe, maybe not… 

Sorry is such an easy word to say

When I was younger, my mother and one of her very good friends used to say that nowadays “sorry” meant absolutely nothing. Saying “sorry” became like a modern “take a hike” formula used to close an unpleasant subject. The easiest thing to say, yet the least meaningful word of all time. It is like a password for some peculiar association that unknowingly all wish to be part of. It goes for all situations: from the most simple little glitch, to the harshest possible insult.

I stepped on your foot? I am sorry
I hurt your feelings? I am sorry
I took you for a fool? I am sorry
I cheated on you? I am sorry
I ignored your presence? I am sorry
I made your feel worthless so I could cover my own low self-esteem? I am sorry
I left you in tears but only crushed you even harder? I am sorry
I caused your nightmares? I am sorry
You got an abortion because I rejected you? I am sorry
I killed your baby because I wanted to keep my freedom? I am sorry
You nearly died trying to please me? I am sorry
I used your own words against you? I am sorry
I lied and tried to make you believe that you were the one with the issues? I am sorry
I crashed our family because of my ego? I am sorry
I came too late too taken in my own activities? I am sorry
Yes sorry! So so sorry …
And the list goes on to no end…

Haven’t we all said that famous word at a time or another without even meaning a hint of it? Haven’t we all come face to face with that famous word knowing full well that the mouth from which it came was only merely pronouncing it?

We each act in accordance to what is most important to us. We each act in accordance to what we prioritize… So in that case… I am sorry I no longer care enough to feel hurt. I am sorry I have now realized my own worth. I am sorry I have finally discovered that I can feel good, be good, enjoy inner peace and rest my soul in my love for my own self without depending on your emotional charity.

Yes sorry! So so sorry!

The poet in me

Some see me as crazy
Some think me absurd
Yet none were there to save me
When the clock took the wrong turn
Words were my salvation…
The bridge holding me to life
It wasn’t just a pretense
Wasn’t a near waste of my time
Could have been a simple distraction
Hadn’t my eyes seeing the face of lies
Some understand
Some won’t even try
To some it’s maybe a veil
Covering me up with mystery
Or again a shadow of importance
A gift or curse
Which I have sourly chosen

Writing is the key
The chain
The lock
Writing is the hand that soothes me
The voice that calls to me
The arms that protect me
The heart that shares my burden
My laughters
My tears

Writing has never failed me
Even when words were hard to find
Writing has never left me
Even when others
Pushed me down to die
It is linked to my heart
Living in my soul
Running through my very being
In each of my particles
If you haven’t realized
Then you probably don’t even know me
If you haven’t given it thought
Then you can’t most likely
See through me

Mascarade

Life is all about simplicity. We often forget that. We get so lost in our search of earthly prizes that we actually set aside, often without realizing it, what in fact really matters and gives sense to our journey on this planet.

We hold on to things we believe we cannot live without, but ignore the true ones we will indeed be suffocating without. We say things, but act the opposite of our words. We take oaths only to be lured by passing pleasures. We are our own downfall, but often try to place the blame elsewhere. We accept what shouldn’t be, take engagements destroying our essence, mingle in crowds we think we should belong to or wish to be accepted by… At the end of day, we are only left empty. Empty and helpless and wishing to drop all and run… but here is the trap. You cannot run from your actions, from your decisions or lack of, from your aftershocks of your misbehaving. You can either make excuses to carry on the farce and thus remain a prisoner of circumstances… or… face your demons, deal with the consequences and with that, set yourself free.

These past few days have felt like an awakening, like a rebirth, like I was finally on my way to understanding what my life, what Life in general was truly about. There aren’t words to express it properly. There aren’t ways to relay that sudden discovery. I am still learning. Learning and watching and growing and making mistakes and discovering. I am learning.

Facts…

Allow me a few “human” minutes.

Lessons learned in the last 48 hours:

  • – “Friendship” has so many definitions that one might get lost. Loose meanings, strongs implications, double-faced approach… an entire arena of nuances. Figuring the “true one” from the shadowy sights requires a certain set of skills one doesn’t get to learn in school.
  • – Words are the most powerful weapons ever no matter their aim, no matter their lenght. Whatever they relay will have its consequence for better or for worst.
  • – Trust is a very fragile and irreplaceable thing. Forgiveness might be granted, but nothing will never be the same.
  • – Each and every single being has a hidden agenda, a hidden motive. May it be good or bad, it does exist for each have their own path, their own dreams and desires.
  • – Last but not least, each being has a set of priorities. Because you put someone or something first does in no way guaranty reciprocity. Awknoledging this often requires for you to build barriers where you would have rather leave an open space.

I have learned a lot. I am learning more still. At least I have grown enough to reach a point where the lessons no longer feel like liquid iron shooting through my veins. Perhaps I am becoming my own version of “wise”. Who knows!…

 

Contradiction

Do you sometimes feel like you are missing out on everything? I often do.
Do you sometimes feel like you are just on the side line while all around you are having a blast being under the spot light and “shining like diamonds”? I often do too.
Do you also sometimes feel that you are special, simply not meant for the flashy outer appearance, but meant for deeply felt tremors that only genuine souls can feel, no matter how hidden and unknown and under the radar your life may seem?… yeah… I know that feeling too!
You dont have to be like everyone to actually “be” someone. You are special, beautiful, loved, cherished just for those who should and by those whose life would miss a star without you in there. Keep that in mind!
You are someone’s sunshine, someone’s ray of light in a dark day. Never doubt your value. Never limit it by only what you can see, for even in your simplicity, even at your worst moment, you are Extraordinary!